Trauma and Attachment (with Jade Miller): Part Two

Trauma's Effect on Attachment Styles

   We are so honored and eager to bring to you Part Two from guest host and author, Jade Miller, who has created a three-part series on attachment and how it relates to trauma to share with you. If you missed the introductory article on Attachment Theory, as well as our goals with this series, you can check it out here.  But, fear not! There's enough of a recap here that you'll be able follow along if you've only got a minute - though we still encourage you to go back when you have time. So, let's just jump right into it! Please be sure to check out all the wonderful things you need to know about Jade below! We are truly thankful to her for allowing us to bring you her insights and wisdom, and want you to be able to locate and appreciate all of her other work, too.

Trauma and Attachment Styles
 

   In the last post, we discussed secure and insecure attachment and what each mean in terms of the inner beliefs a person holds as result of each. To review:

Secure attachment occurs when a caregiver consistently and appropriately meets a baby’s needs over a long enough period of time that the baby learns to expect a compassionate response. This causes them to internalize the belief that the world is basically a good place, that they themselves are worth caring for, and that others are willing to meet their needs.

Insecure attachment occurs when – for any reason – a caregiver is incapable of or unwilling to meet a baby’s needs predictably and in an appropriate way. Babies interpret this in slightly different ways, depending on their unique personality, and thus can result in one of three types of insecure attachment.  But the bottom line will be that their view of the world, themselves, and/or others is negatively affected.

   In this post I’m going to share how trauma affects people differently based on their attachment styles formed in infancy.

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   To put it very simply, trauma occurs when something happens to someone that is beyond their ability to process it in a healthy way, so the experience is not integrated correctly on a physical, emotional, or neurological level. (Some people prefer to understand it in terms of emotional and even physical energy that becomes trapped in the body with no way of being released.) In most cases, trauma happens when a person perceives a threat to their life, bodily integrity, or sanity. 

    It’s important to understand that the factors that cause an event to be experienced as traumatic are unique to each individual. No two people are the same, so even those who experience the same event (e.g. a natural disaster, or siblings who witness domestic violence in the home) may react to it differently according to their unique biological makeup as well as their individual personalities and sensitivities.

Trauma and Individuals with Secure Attachments

   People who are lucky enough to have a secure attachment to a caregiver as infants/children are at a significant advantage when it comes to experiencing a traumatic event. Sensitive caregivers are available and able to help them process the trauma so that it becomes appropriately integrated in their bodies, minds, and emotions.

   When a person experiences trauma, but has a secure attachment to someone, that attachment can restore their sense of security and counteract the effects of the trauma. When a child experiences something potentially traumatic, they seek comfort from their attachment figure. Secure attachments help children regulate emotional arousal that occurs in the face of a threat. Later, the attachment figure will help the child form a narrative about the event so that the brain can adequately process it. Rather than the event becoming stuck in the right brain as just experience and raw sensory data, a sensitive caregiver will help the child contextualize and understand what happened - which is one way of bringing the trauma into the left brain, synching the two halves, and helping the mind integrate the experience.

   Here is an example: Suppose a child is playing on the playground in the park, and suddenly a person walks by with an aggressive dog on a leash. The dog sees the child and lunges toward them, barking and growling, before being pulled away by its owner. 

   A child with a secure attachment will most likely run to its caregiver, crying, and the caregiver will pick up the child and comfort them. A sensitive and empathetic caregiver might say something like, “Wow, that must have been so scary! I’m sorry that dog scared you!” They will comfort the child by holding or hugging them until the child is calm. The very best way of helping a child integrate the scary experience they just had would be for the caregiver to actually put the experience into narrative form. They may say something like, “You were playing on the playground and then a big scary dog came by and barked at you. It scared you really bad. Then you came running over to Mama and I hugged you until you felt better.” The brain’s memory bank is sometimes described as an elaborate filing system. And, trauma has the potential to become stuck in a separate part of the brain, instead of being filed correctly. Forming a narrative helps the child make sense of what happened to them so the brain knows how to file the memory appropriately and can then “close out” of the “file,” so to speak, once it understands. With very young children, they may need to talk about the event and hear the story repeated over and over before they are able to finish processing it.

Trauma and Individuals with Insecure Attachments

   If a person without a secure attachment relationship experiences trauma, the event is more likely to remain unprocessed and unresolved from an emotional, physical, and neurological viewpoint. The person is often unable to regain their sense of safety in the world and may experience the threat of trauma as ongoing, even after the actual threat has subsided. In the face of unrelenting hyper-arousal, dissociation is often next in line as the person attempts to cope.

   It’s important to understand that without a secure attachment style, an overwhelming event is more likely to be perceived as trauma, no matter whether the person is still a child or not. People who grow up securely attached have developed much-needed skills to help them process overwhelming events and reduce the likelihood that they will become traumatized by something. However, this does not mean that securely attached people are never traumatized. It simply means the risk that something will be experienced as traumatic is lower, and the amount of time it takes for them to recover from a genuine trauma is often less than those with insecure attachment styles.

   People with an insecure attachment styles do not have a healthy template with which to relate to others, the world, and themselves. They are more likely to experience something overwhelming as a trauma, because they lack the internal (and often external) resources with which to process it. Below are the tendencies of each insecure attachment style in how they cope with emotional distress (traumatic or otherwise).

  People with an avoidant attachment style often see other people as a source of apathy, fear, or discomfort. So traumatic experiences do not drive them to seek help from others. Rather, they withdraw internally even more, and attempt to utilize their own resources to cope with an overwhelming event. Many attachment experts theorize that people with this attachment style are more likely to develop addictions. Those with the avoidant attachment style see people as a source of indifference or distress rather than a source of help, so they turn instead to ways of comforting themselves that do not involve other people.

  People with the insecure attachment style see other people as a helpful resource, but their low self-esteem creates a seemingly bottomless void of need. These people are often drawn into co-dependent relationships because they see others as their only source of comfort and soothing. They have not internalized the ability to self-soothe because their early interactions with caregivers were inconsistent or confusing. They did not receive comfort consistently enough to learn how to comfort themselves, so they feel the constant need for contact and connection to others when they are overwhelmed.

  People with the disorganized attachment style – as noted previously – do not have any consistent way of responding to emotional upset. They view others as dangerous or scary, and themselves as unworthy of help. They have never formed a reliable strategy to deal with powerful emotions, so they are often haphazard in their attempts to cope with overwhelming events. They may seek comfort from others at times (although such comfort is rarely internalized), or they may withdraw. At other times, they may seem unaffected or numb to the traumatic experience, and they are prone to dissociation as a defense mechanism. (Please note that anyone with any attachment style can utilize dissociation; the disorganized style is just more prone to it.)

   In the example of the child on a playground, lunged at by a big scary dog: those with insecure attachment styles, if faced with the same situation, could be at risk of a lifelong phobia of dogs. Or, they could be triggered to an anxiety attack by the sound of a dog barking or growling. The fear and panic they felt then, if experienced as trauma and left unintegrated, could cause all kinds of symptoms in their adult life. 
 

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If you are interested in learning more about emotional development and/or attachment and trauma here are some links: 

・・ Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development (Allan Schore)

・・ Joystarters.com – Please note that this is a faith-based blog, but there are some great articles on attachment, crisis, and neuroscience

・・ The Link Between Types of Attachment and Childhood Trauma

・・ Neuroscience Attachments & Relationships

Stay tuned for Part Three of the Trauma and Attachment series, coming soon!

 

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    Jade Miller would describe herself as a blogger, artist, SRA survivor, peer worker, and member of a poly-fragmented DID system.  ..who also desires to bring education and awareness about the reality of SRA/DID to the public and increase the number and availability of resources to survivors for healing.  We would firmly agree, and also add that she's a fantastic advocate, with an abundance of passion, knowledge and experience of which we can all benefit.  Her blog is not only an invaluable resource, but she's also a published author with some must-read material.  Notably for survivors are her two illustrated books for younger parts of DID systems called Dear Little Ones and Dear Little Ones (Book 2: About Parents)!  You can even listen to her read it on YouTube, and see the illustrations.  She's also written books on Attachment and Dissociation, and has also compiled her experiences of struggle and healing into more personal books in the past.  All of these are very well worth your time, and we strongly encourage you to seek out all of her published work as well as her online presence (listed below).  We are super honored to partner with her to bring you this series and deeply value her support to us, and to survivors everywhere!
 

FIND JADE ON ALL HER PLATFORMS!

 -  J8 Peer Consulting       -  Amazon Author Page
  -  Facebook                          -  LinkedIn

MORE INFORMATIVE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  -  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative identity Disorder
  -  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  -  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  -  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
  -  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

  -  Facebook
  -  Twitter
  -  Instagram

Trauma and Attachment (with Jade Miller): Part One

Understanding Attachment Theory

   We are so honored and eager to bring to you guest host and author, Jade Miller, who has created a three-part series on attachment and how it relates to trauma to share with you here.  We know the words 'attachment theory' can sound foreign or intimidating to those without a psychological background, or even sound like something that doesn't really pertain to you or matter much.  But, it truly does, and our goal throughout the series is to demystify it in a way that is very approachable and can teach you valuable things about yourself and your healing.  It is so helpful for survivors (especially those with C-PTSD and Dissociative Disorders), as well as their loved ones and supporters, to truly understand the complexities and nuances of attachment, because they play such an integral role in how these disorders come to be and why they're so multidimensional beyond just the PTSD.  While the trauma itself is disruptive, it's the attachments we have not only to our perpetrators but with everyone else on the outside that further impact how we internalize that trauma and how we view the world around us.  We truly hope this series is both enlightening and helpful as you continue on your path of understanding and wellness.  And, we are truly thankful to Jade for allowing us to bring you her insights and wisdom.  Please be sure to check out all the wonderful things you need to know about her below! 

Attachment Theory in a Nutshell

  Attachment theory is the theory that humans are born with an innate tendency to seek care, help and comfort from members of their social group when they are facing overwhelming danger and/or are in physical or emotional distress. The group of behaviors used to solicit caregiving behaviors from others is known as the “attachment system.” In infants, the primary attachment-seeking behaviors would include crying, and (when old enough) what is known as an “approach” method - which seeks physical closeness to, and comfort from, the attachment figure. (The attachment figure is usually the mother and father, but can sometimes be another relative or whoever takes care of the baby’s physical and emotional needs most often.) If you’ve ever had the chance to people-watch in a place where there are children, you’ll probably notice that very young children stay close to their parent. And if they do venture away – on a playground, for example – and something scares them, they will run or crawl quickly back to their parents. This “approach method” is an attachment-seeking behavior. The opposite of carrying out an attachment-seeking behavior is trying to “avoid” something in the environment that is perceived as threatening. Attempts to avoid a threat usually involve the baby either ignoring it or actively seeking distance from it, rather than trying to approach it.  The behavior of approaching a caregiver when distressed is simply part of our survival instinct as a species.

What is important to understand about the attachment system is:

1) it is primal and innate, as it has been linked to evolution and survival, and forms the patterns by which the person relates to others in the future,

2) it is formed during the earliest development of an infant through interactions with the mother, father, and/or primary caregiver(s), and

3) the attachment system is powerfully activated during and after any experience of fear and of physical or psychological pain. This is why it matters so much in relation to trauma.

  So now that you know what it is, let me briefly describe the types of attachment that can be formed, depending on those crucial early interaction patterns.

Attachment Styles - Secure and Insecure

To break it down for you, there are 2 types of attachment: secure and insecure.

   Secure attachment is (or should be) the goal of all parenting behaviors and interactions between mother/father/caregiver and child, from birth to independence and beyond.  Securely attached infants develop positive, healthy, and relationally-effective internal working models (called IWM’s by the psych folks) that become the blueprint – or software, if you prefer – for the way they interact with people and the world at large, generally speaking, for the rest of their lives. It also affects, to no small degree, their perspective of themselves and their own lives. The securely attached infant’s IWM is based on the belief that the world is a good place and the infant is a good person; they are forming the belief that others are capable of and willing to meet their needs, and that they are worthy of having their needs met. Securely attached babies may express distress when they are separated from their caregivers, but they readily accept comfort when the caregiver returns to them.
 

Insecure attachment, on the other hand, breaks down into 3 subgroups:  

  Insecure-avoidant (also known as insecure-dismissive) is the infant that may appear content – or even indifferent – in regard to their caregiver.  Sometimes these infants are even mistaken by people unfamiliar with infant development for securely attached children because they do not react to separation from their caregiver. They do not react to reunion either; they appear indifferent to their caregivers’ presence or absence. The truth is that these infants have closed themselves off to the world. Their IWM summary – if they were able to think abstractly – would be “the world is a bad place but I am a good person, so I will shut out the world.”  They do not turn to other people for help or comfort.  Brain scans of these babies, when placed in a situation that would normally cause distress, show that despite the fact that they do not cry or fuss, they truly are distressed and their level of distress – as shown by the brain activity on the scans – is the same or greater than their peers who are securely attached (or insecurely attached but in a different subgroup); they have simply learned to suppress it.  They don’t actively seek caregivers’ attention.  They turn inward and search for internal resources and solutions that do not involve other people.

  Insecure-anxious (also known as insecure-ambivalent) is the infant that seeks their caregivers’ attention when distressed, but is not readily comforted despite their caregivers’ attempts to do so.  Their IWM would be summarized: “The world is a good place but I am a bad person, so external comfort cannot help me.”  These infants exhibit attachment-seeking behaviors but when the caregivers try to comfort them, it takes much longer to calm them down, if calming can be achieved at all.  They seek outside help but simultaneously view such help as ineffective.

  Insecure-disorganized infants have not managed to organize their reactions in any enduring way.  Sometimes they appear avoidant, sometimes they appear ambivalent, and other times they appear secure.  Their reactions to separation or distress are unpredictable and un-enduring over time.  These infants’ IMW would be summarized thusly: “The world is a bad place and I am a bad person, there is nothing I or anyone else can do to help me.”  They are unpredictable and seem confused. They sometimes exhibit both attachment-seeking and avoiding behaviors simultaneously or in rapid succession, as if they are trying to pursue two incompatible goals at the same time.  They do not seem to know what they want or how to get it.

  Attachment theory is a topic that I am very passionate about, because I believe the early blueprints we develop, which become our beliefs about the world and ourselves, inform every future relationship we have with others and even ourselves. A person’s attachment style, and the availability of healthy people with which they can bond, profoundly affect the impact a traumatic experience will have on someone. I will write more about that in the next blog post.

  If you want more in-depth history and discussion of attachment theory, the research is plentiful and easy to find. If you don’t like any of those links, Google “attachment theory” or “John Bowlby” and/or “Mary Ainsworth” and you will have an abundance of reading material. Their methodology for establishing the foundation for their theories is also available, which I’m not going to discuss here because it’s not pertinent to the material at hand and I’m already attempting to condense plenty of information. If you do want a breakdown of the methodology, Google “The Strange Situation," in conjunction with Bowlby/Ainsworth.
 

In the next post I will talk about why attachment style matters and how it affects a person’s response to a traumatic experience.

 

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   Jade Miller would describe herself as a blogger, artist, SRA survivor, peer worker, and member of a poly-fragmented DID system.  ..who also desires to bring education and awareness about the reality of SRA/DID to the public and increase the number and availability of resources to survivors for healing.  We would firmly agree, and also add that she's a fantastic advocate, with an abundance of passion, knowledge and experience of which we can all benefit.  Her blog is not only an invaluable resource, but she's also a published author with some must-read material.  Notably for survivors are her two illustrated books for younger parts of DID systems called Dear Little Ones and Dear Little Ones (Book 2: About Parents)!  You can even listen to her read it on YouTube, and see the illustrations.  She's also written books on Attachment and Dissociation, and has also compiled her experiences of struggle and healing into more personal books in the past.  All of these are very well worth your time, and we strongly encourage you to seek out all of her published work as well as her online presence (listed below).  We are super honored to partner with her to bring you this series and deeply value her support to us, and to survivors everywhere!
 

FIND JADE ON ALL HER PLATFORMS!

 -  J8 Peer Consulting       -  Amazon Author Page
  -  Facebook                          -  LinkedIn
                                   
 

MORE INFORMATIVE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  -  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative identity Disorder
  -  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  -  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  -  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
  -  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

  -  Facebook
  -  Twitter
  -  Instagram

A Message for Survivors on Fathers' Day

     So, it's Fathers' Day.  And our hearts are so heavy knowing just how many of you are hurting today -- who are conflicted, unsure, angry, scared, grieving, lost, or yearning.  For many of you, it's a combination of all the above.  Fathers' Day doesn't quite seem to hold the same regality to it that Mothers' Day does - and, even societally, you're more likely to see posts of people acknowledging that they had absent or hurtful fathers.  But, just because people are slightly more aware that not everyone has a wonderful dad, it doesn't make it any less difficult. In fact, we almost feel as though Fathers' Day being knocked down a peg from the pedestal family members can be placed on, actually allows for more of us to truly feel our feelings. It's almost as if there is a greater permission to acknowledge the pain given the expectation of warmth and gushing affections is lessened. Of course, that means we're more likely to be in the pain today. So, all of us here at Beauty After Bruises want you to be able to take a time-out from your Sunday, to sit with us, and to know you're in the company of people who really really get it.

     Before we get too terribly far, we want to make sure we acknowledge that dads in general can get a bad rap. They are quickly villainized and made out to be the bad guy in all kinds of situations, often unfairly. For many of you, your dad may have even been your rock, your everything -- the only reason you're still with us today.  We are so glad that fathers like them exist and always want to lift them up in the highest regard. With that, just as we mentioned with mothers, we also know that some of you have lost this special parent - your person. So today marks a day for heart-wrenching grief - a new trauma for your already broken heart. We want to help hold that for you however possible and sympathize in your brokenness. Grief and loss are emotions that so many of you may be feeling - possibly even all of you, really - and for reasons that may not include death.  For a lot of survivors, your fathers have left, or were never there from the start. Some of you have lost your dads to addiction, mental or medical health issues, or other challenging behavior that - though he's still alive - he's no longer truly here, as himself, anymore. He's not the father you knew, nor the father you want or need right now. There's an inevitable, sometimes inescapable feeling of loss that comes with that. And, it's okay and completely normal to grieve a dad who's right there with you, but just isn't present with you. For those of you who never got to feel like you had a father - just someone to share a house with - of course you're also bound to feel as if a big part of you is missing, or as if you just don't know how you're supposed to feel. We all want to acknowledge that hurt. Many are right there with you.
     

     For every shade and color of loss and grief, whether there are tears to be had or you're all cried out: you're not alone.

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"Fathers' Day....  Man.  My heart hurts most for little me - the one who had to celebrate, hand-make cards for, and love the violent, red-faced, short-tempered man who tore our family apart. It confused and hurt Little Morgan to no end."

-- Morgan, 27

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     This week has seen no shortage of the anticipated emotional commercials, quirky "dad bod" advertisements, full series on popular YouTube channels centering around fatherhood, annnd of course the lengthy social media posts from friends and loved ones, reminiscing and telling tales of their amazing, hard-working, selfless fathers. Yet, here today, many of you are alone, quietly hurting. The reality for Complex PTSD and DID survivors is that it's really common for 'a dad' of someone's to have been involved in your trauma (either in big ways or small). Whether that was your own fathers; a grandfather or uncle; a teacher, coach or pastor; even a cousin or neighbor who's all grown up and now has their own kids -- knowing there's a day for them to be celebrated (specifically for caring for children) can bring with it so many unique, difficult struggles.

     It's hard to see fathers universally being revered, when a father you knew wasn't the least bit good to their own or someone else's children. For those of you who only discovered in adulthood what happened to you as a child, there can be such a visceral reaction, with emotions ten layers deep, if you ever find yourself staring at photos of them holding or hugging their own children.  ....what do you do??  Many feel fear, others just relive trauma, and so many more want to "do something", "save them" or "protect them" but are stunned frozen. Others sit with heavy, heavy guilt that they didn't say something back then, even if they didn't know at the time, retroactive guilt still sneaks in like a virus. For any of you in these positions, we want you to know we deeply empathize with all the anguish and inner-conflict wrapped up in that bundle of exasperation. You are not alone in this.  You did what you could with the information you had at the time, as well as what you believed to be safe. You are STILL doing what is right for you, safest for you, healthiest for you, and what will ensure your wellbeing. The rest can and will sort itself out in time; for now you just need to do what is best for you in this very moment.

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"Every Fathers' Day I'm confronted with the reminder that he left us.  He left me and my siblings with that horrible, abusive woman. He saved himself, but didn't think twice about us."

--J.D., 36

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     There are so many stories, so many walks of life and paths you could be on.  Many of you have become fathers yourselves. This may be your triumphant accomplishment, one to be so proud of yourself for! Despite all the self-doubt or questioning, through it all, you found yourself in a family, or at least raising a child of your own. This is such a hard and scary thing to do, especially if most of your examples were poor or even non-existent. For those of you worrying or wondering today if you're a good enough father to even be celebrated - or scared you won't be once you do become a dad - we want to be that vote of confidence that says, "The very fact you're concerned about this, means you're leaps and bounds ahead of the pack. We are all just trying to do the best we can with the tools we have, learn more every day, try to leave the least amount of harm behind us, and work to leave things a little better than we found them. And, if that's what you're doing, you're doing it just right!"  Yet, if you are truly concerned or know you need a little help to be able to do the best job you can, there are always resources and a helping hand available to you; never hesitate to ask.  It's one of the bravest things you can do and one that requires such personal strength - not weakness. We are one of those places you can turn, who would love to help you however possible.

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"Only when I became a father did I finally see how evil mine own was. I never saw it -- never. It's hard to raise kids when you only just learned how blind you were to being treated like an dog. I'm so scared now I wouldn't recognize it if I ever did the same - but hellbent on never coming close."

-- R.W., 39

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     The subject of becoming a father can actually be one filled with trauma for many other reasons in a certain group of survivors. And, we want to be sure we touch on this because we feel it's something that's missing in a lot of trauma outreach. A lot of survivors are men, and a lot of those men were made to be fathers against their will as well - just like those who became mothers unwillingly. Far too many have been trafficked, abused, manipulated, or even used for the sole purpose of bearing children. Some of you may be aware of your children, while others sit there with the tormenting question of IF you're a father, knowing all the abuse you endured and the level of probability. This is something most cannot even imagine feeling, wondering or agonizing over. In each and every one of these instances, we ache for you. Just as we do for those who have also may have children they cannot see, those whose were taken from them in messy, unfair, and even abusive divorces, and those who've even lost their beloved children. All of your pain is so real, so heavy. It is seen. It is felt. It is honored and met with such true compassion.

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"Fathers' Day has so much trauma shoved into one cake I'm afraid to light the candles.  It'll either explode, or melt into a puddle with my sadness....And, I don't even know which would make the bigger mess anymore."

Caroline, 42

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    No doubt, we couldn't possibly cover all the ways Fathers' Day highlight so many aches, pain and scars left by the years of childhood trauma for many survivors. There are just far too many brave and hurting souls, each with a story of their own. Like, those who've lost "a dad" in their own husband, the one who was a father to their children... Anyone who is left trying to comfort broken-hearted children today because their fathers left or hurt them deeply... All whose fathers just do not accept them for who they are, how they live, or what they know to be true about their trauma.... Every adult child who was severely let down by their dad as a kid, but are now fighting to remind themselves they do have one, and he isn't a terrible guy, but it still just doesn't feel right....  And, everyone else left so confused and torn by the role that stepdads, biological dads, adoptive dads, and countless other family dynamics play -- roles that just manage to complicate things even further. No matter what - no matter why your heart is aching or why it's just conflicted and lost today - please know that we're thinking of you and so excruciatingly aware of just how many of you are out there. We even encourage YOU to give voice to all the things we couldn't get to here. Please share with us below, in our casual little circle of healing hearts, what's on your chest today and let your experience be heard. Every story is important. And, we're all listening.

    Please know, even on these "smaller" holidays, we care very much about what you are going through and all the ways it may be affecting you. Just like we mentioned in our post on Mothers' Day - oftentimes it's the smallest holidays that can do the most damage and leave survivors feeling the most alone. So, if you are a supporter, friend or loved one - we really encourage you to at least send your loved one a thoughtful text or call them up to let them know you're thinking of 'em. Family relationships are nearly always a challenge for complex trauma survivors in one form or another - so, it can never hurt to let them know they're on your mind, even if you know very little about their history.

     And, for all of our survivors: We believe these types of holidays really need to just become days to focus on YOU. Days put in place to take extra care of yourself. To do things that you love; celebrate all the ways in which you are an honorable and loyal person; get together with friends or other great people that you call your family and are proud to know. You can even enjoy some cynical or light-hearted comedy! Liiiike, tell us your favorite "dad joke" - it's okay if it's got some dark humor to it, that's how so many of us heal! Just, above all else, please just take extra care of, and celebrate, YOU.

    We will be.

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  
  -  Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families During the Holidays
  -  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  -  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
  -  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
 -  A Message of Care This Mothers' Day

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

  -  Facebook
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You Did Not Shatter: A Message for Survivors with DID

     After an absolutely fantastic experience at this year's annual Party in the Park - and even receiving some media coverage - we spent some time reflecting on the many conversations had there and wanted to extend some extra love and thought to those with Dissociative Identity Disorder today.  And, in doing so, hopefully we'll guide the general public to a richer understanding of the condition as well!

     After talking with the media - who were absolutely wonderful, receptive, and eager to learn - it was still evident through subtle head nods and knowing laughter following our jokes that their only prior introduction to DID had not been a positive one. They were so happy to see and understand it for what it really is, to adopt an entirely new view on whom it affects, why, and what that looks like. We witness versions of this exchange everywhere we go, almost any time we educate the public.  But, another thing we find, time and time again, is how many survivors have been given inaccurate information about themselves. Many have been privy to explanations and/or analogies used to simplify or summarize the disorder to the unfamiliar, some of which have led to the internalization of some pretty harsh ideas about themselves.  Sometimes these misconceptions are even held by the most loving and helpful therapists, not just the ignorant or uneducated ones.  Because of this, we not only want to offer clarity on the subject, but more importantly, fight to help restore your belief in yourself -- to help you realize the strength of your mind, NOT the 'brokenness'.
     This will also apply to many with Complex PTSD or even BPD, but will resonate strongest for those with DID.  So, with the ill-effects of films like Split still in the rearview, and with far too many in the psychiatric community continuing to hold on to misinformation on DID - we truly hope to silence those messages in your ears and lift you up in a way that maybe no one ever has before.


     For far too long, it has been believed, and often even cited in psychiatric works, that DID forms because the mind was just so traumatized, so overwhelmed by insurmountable upset and trauma, that it splits into all kinds of pieces and alters. Visual concepts like the mind being shattered, like a broken vase, or a scattered puzzle needing put back together, were not only all too common, they became the framework for how many clinicians would describe DID to their patients. A puzzle-piece awareness ribbon was even created as the representative for DID before it became the well-known symbol for autism awareness. This idea has, on one hand, given many survivors language to describe their experience to others. But, on the other, it have also left many survivors to interpret that as if they themselves are broken.  ...as if it was just all too much and they cracked and broke down - possibly even due to weakness or not being "strong enough".  ...as if they're fundamentally destroyed, irreparable or never able to be "put back together" the same again. This is just plainly untrue - both in terms of who these survivors are as people AND what actually happened to their minds in the first place.

     A dissociative mind is NOT a whole that breaks. It's one that just never came together into one, fully-communicating mind like it does for everyone else. EVERYONE starts out as scattered pieces when they are infants. Through childhood development, attachments get made, relationships become consistent, needs are met, and slowly, those pieces begin to integrate into larger pieces. Over time, those pieces develop self-awareness, and continue to merge and formulate ONE stable, solid sense of self.  "This is me, this is who I am, these are the things I like and don't like. I know who I am separate from my siblings, friends, and parents! Cool!". This usually completes by about age 9, and from then on life experiences continue to shape, mold and build that sense of self into perpetuity; shifting as one gathers more life experience. Our identity reflects that as we change throughout our teens, twenties and so forth. Even so, it is still just one, singular self-concept.
     We, of course, all have different aspects and versions of ourselves, but for those with a healthy childhood development, those aspects all communicate automatically and know about one another. Work You knows about and may influence the mood of At-Home You, and With-Friends You may let loose a bit, but is still aware that if you get a little too adventurous you may make things harder for In-A-Relationship You. Many aspects; one sense of self.  ...all communicating with and influencing the others.

     But when it comes to childhood trauma, all of that can get interrupted. Through extreme dissociation, many pieces stay separate. Walls and barriers get built to keep those smaller ego states from coming together because the mind has deemed that it's safer that way. Communication between and knowledge of what's beyond those walls can be minimal. What happens to During-Trauma You can't be known to At-School You because you wouldn't be able to function effectively if you had unspeakable trauma on your mind while trying to solve multiplication tables in math class. Over time, those compartmentalized collections of memory, emotion, knowledge, etc., will develop self-awareness and eventually their own sense of self, too -- just as they would for any developing child. The main difference is that these pieces of self may look considerably different from one another (and the whole) because they are only able to pull from a select number of life experiences within their little compartment to build an identity around.  Ergo: alters.  So, you didn't BREAK.  You most certainly were not too weak or fragile. The mind knew it could withstand the pressure of a violent storm by supporting your castle with an abundance of walls and columns instead. That's adaptive. That's strong. That's creativity and reinforcement; genius.  It's also beautiful.

     You did not crumble into rubble; you are not shattered glass. You didn't collapse or give out, nor were you destroyed by what happened.  You do not have to fuss with glue or tape to put yourself back together. Your mind repositioned its load-bearing beams and decided to stand strong a different way. It may not be like everyone else's, but I can promise that it's able to endure far more.  It has endured far more.  And you're still here.  Nothing can bring down that castle. You are rock solid. You were built to survive - and that creative, unique design kept you alive, kept you strong, and brought so much extra beauty.  You cannot even begin to imagine the richness that will bring to your living as you heal.

     We are amazed by how you found a way through. And we want you to know, as well as anyone who's ever misunderstood your condition, that:

You are not broken or weak. You are stronger than most could ever hope to be. You were made to last.

MORE RESOURCE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  DID Myths and Misconceptions: Dispelling Common Myths about DID
  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  Flashbacks 101: 4 Tools to Cope with Flashbacks
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families During the Holidays

  ❖  Article Index  ❖

 

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Surviving the Holidays with C-PTSD / DID

   
The holiday season is stressful for everyone. But for many with Complex PTSD and dissociative disorders, it can be the absolute worst time of year. While there are often bright spots, the unique struggles that trauma survivors can face as the year comes to a close too often overshadow them. Whether out and about, or gathering with family, the holidays are such a loud, busy and overstimulating time — or in other words, a nightmare for anyone with a posttraumatic condition. But, there are also so many hidden things that survivors struggle with that many may not even realize - even to survivors with different histories from each other. Many of you will have to face immediate or extended family that were the source of your trauma. Others will gather around unsupportive or toxic family/friends who don't value your mental health or personal wellbeing. And, for many survivors, the holidays are actual anniversaries of past trauma or violence. This time of year is also an unforgiving battleground to the many who struggle with food, disordered eating, and/or addictions. To add insult to injury, an upsetting number of trauma survivors are grappling with chronic physical health issues, too - most of which came as a result of their trauma, whether they realize that relationship or not. They're going to be in pain, sick, or exhausted – wanting to engage, but unable. The list goes on, and we know just how hard many of you will be fighting to stay above water. We want to help however we can.

Because you will all have very different holiday plans, trauma histories, and triggers across varying degrees of safety or stages in recovery - when it comes to managing your symptoms - there can be no one-size-fits all guide to get through. And, if you’re up against still-toxic or abusive family, most things become a gamble as to if they’ll help or harm. Because of that, we added a separate post to address those unique concerns, too. There are, however, some things that are universal and remain true for most everyone. So! Here are some suggestions for getting through the holiday season safely - with your sanity intact and knowing someone has your back. Take what applies to you, leave the rest, and please feel free to share some of your suggestions below. Keep extending that support to our community of survivors!

 

Our list to get through the holidays:

❄︎ Stay grounded.  Remaining grounded is your first and strongest line of defense to any of the things you'll face during the holidays. If you aren't grounded, none of your coping skills will be as effective. Keep textured items in your pocket, bag and/or car. Carry a notecard on you or in your phone that can remind you of the date, that you're safe and an adult now, as well as any other orienting details that are important to you. Keep your feet on the floor whenever you can. Try to refrain from staring off or zoning out when things get too dull (or too heated). Keep your phone on you to play music or engage in interactive apps whenever you feel yourself drifting. Look around the room - take note of all the pretty things that catch your eye as you look about. Talk or engage with someone if you can; vocalize in some way when you're alone. Step out and wash your hands or face in cool water. Go outside for a bit to reinvigorate yourself with fresh air or cold temperatures.  Anything you can to stay present in the here and now!  (We also have 101 Grounding Techniques right here for ya if you need ideas or just want to have it on hand in case you can’t remember your own later!)

❄︎ Remember: You have a voice. This is your life, your safety, your sanity. You matter. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself, to say no, to change your mind and to make choices that honor you.  If you don't want to visit with someone, or know that seeing them will trigger or stress you too greatly, you do not have to go. You can speak those needs and set those boundaries. We understand that for some of you - particularly those who live with or are asked to see unsafe people, or those who may retaliate or hold that choice over your head - saying no would actually put you in danger. We understand there are times it is a necessity and do not want to encourage you to put yourself in harm's way. But, for those of you whom it just feels scary, or you know it’d make you feel guilty, ashamed or upset - ask yourself if those temporary feelings are more important than the endless, unpredictable amounts of distress that spending time with those people would cause you. Use your voice. Set boundaries. You are an adult and are allowed to say no now and have it be respected.

❄︎ Plan ahead.  One of the best strategies for not only preventing an utter disaster but even getting to enjoy yourself, is to plan ahead in the most detailed way possible. List what kinds of things you're going to do for yourself before the important moments, to ensure you’re prepared to go into any stressful environment much less vulnerable, feeling steady and even confident. Describe the things you're going to do during the event to make sure you'll be staying grounded, level and calm. Then, be incredibly specific about what you're going to do after to decompress and unwind, being certain to add what you'll do for self-care. This is called a "Before/During/After Plan" or a BDA. You can make one for every significant challenge or phase of the holiday season: phone calls and planning stages, declining an invite, food prep, the gathering, specific traditions you know may be emotional, etc.

❄︎ Don't forget the basics.  It sounds painfully simple, but it's so easy to forget. Take your medications. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Force yourself to rest your body and mind even if you cannot sleep. Don’t neglect your physical health. These things are as much your foundation as being grounded is. Forgetting any of these basic needs can make you more vulnerable to symptoms, which can lead to a full unravelling later.  

❄︎ Internal communication.  Those of you who have internal parts (DID/OSDD) will need to make sure you're doing a lot of internal communication — but self-talk and tending to the really young or past versions of yourself can be helpful and important for all survivors. Acknowledge with one another the difficult, painful, scary, or triggering things that you know you’ll be facing. Validate those feelings and fears with each other. Then, together, plan how you want to work as an efficient unit, arranging yourselves and customizing individual jobs to best tackle each event on your calendar. Also, discuss what you might do to honor one another, maybe consider sharing gifts if that feels right (even if those gifts are as simple as letting a part watch a movie at home or color a picture - it doesn't have to be a material present :) ). Acknowledging and validating what is so painful about these holidays also leaves you less likely to be blindsided by traumatic material mid-holiday celebration. If someone inside encounters a trigger they didn’t see coming, it’s so much harder to access their tools suddenly, recover quickly, and regroup.

❄︎ Incentivize.  Unfortunately, many complex trauma survivors also struggle with self-harm, addiction, and/or other self-destructive behaviors. Many more are wrestling devastating depression, OCD, eating disorders, bipolar, and/or other mental illnesses in addition to their trauma. Get yourself a gift or other incentive, one you aren’t allowed to have until January 2nd (or after each individual holiday or milestone). If you get through the whole holiday season self-harm free or are able to accomplish things you felt too depressed or too afraid to do, your gift is waiting there for you and will congratulate you for crushing that goal!

❄︎ Let yourself grieve.  It seems counterintuitive to lead yourself into painful emotions, but it makes them far less likely to bubble up just as you're getting comfortable or having a good time. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself mourn lost holidays or entire childhoods of happy memories. Allow yourself to be upset by all that your traumatic experiences robbed from you or made more difficult than it ever needed to be. Take a moment to be angry about neglectful and/or dismissive family/friends who won't support you the way you deserve to be supported. Once you've given yourself a moment to feel these feelings, your mind will feel freer to let go and enjoy the holidays - less determined to remind you how it’s been really, really hurt by everything associated with them, afraid you’ll forget it still needs healing.

❄︎ Take time for you.  You don't have to be "on" from Thanksgiving to January. You don't have to be "on" morning to night on any holiday either. Take breaks. Leave the room. Take a walk outside. Sit in peace in a bedroom or unoccupied room for a moment. Those 15 minute breathers will do you and your nervous system wonders before returning to the festivities - even if you don’t think you need one yet. If you’re having trouble thinking of things you can do for yourself to recharge, feel like you again, or to self-soothe - be it in tiny doses or in larger-effort, longer-lasting ways - our article on Self-Care has over 101 ideas to help.

❄︎ Support system.  If you have friends or family that support you healthily, connect with them. Make it a point to fill them in on what's going on and all that’s worrying you. Plan to connect with them even if for just 5 or 10 minutes before/after holiday gatherings. We know that many therapists aren't available during holiday weeks, and even we are a bit harder to reach at times, so touching base with friends and family that you know have your back can help you feel less stranded or as if you've been abandoned in your weakest moments.

❄︎ Breathe.  Again, it sounds so simple, but you'll be amazed by how often the times you're feeling completely overwhelmed, you’re actually holding your breath. Take several deep, cleansing breaths each time you feel your tension meter rising. You can also try color-breathing.

❄︎ Limit alcohol/substances.  The holidays don't make this super easy for those who like to partake, but any level of intoxication can make traumatic material just a trigger away from flooding you. ...and leaves you quite defenseless against it, too. Try to be extra responsible during the rough moments - even if your whole body’s zinging or feels like you're going to burst. Going for another drink to drown it out or feel calmer actually increases your vulnerability for it all to come crashing down — both inside your mind and possibly in your behavior. For those of you who struggle with moderating your alcohol consumption or need to steer clear entirely, try recruiting a trusted loved one to help keep you accountable and feel less isolated amidst the temptation.

❄︎ Remember: You do not have to stay.  Just like before, your needs matter. You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to, or to do it for longer than you desire. You do not have to feel guilty. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are leaving, where you're going, or why you want to go ‘so soon’. Catastrophe doesn’t have to strike to start feeling like you have permission to consider it; you can leave solely because you feel like it. You are being a proactive bamf by taking care of you and heading out before it even feels unsteady. If you don't think you can count on your voice to be strong enough in the moment, make plans to see someone immediately after a gathering and make that known ahead of time that you can’t stay long. Don't have anyone free to do that with or are traveling? There are even apps that can help you get out of a situation you don't want to be in. :) Even if you have to get clever about it, you are still allowed to go when you've had enough. Period.

❄︎ Physical safety. If you MUST visit (or already live with) unsafe people and things escalate - but you don’t feel you can leave the room, step outside, or leave entirely - if things are about to erupt into violence, apps like SafeTrek exist that will bring the police to your location without you ever making or answering a call. (This app is valuable for many other scenarios and great for trauma survivors broadly, even if it’s only used to soothe in perceived-versus-actual unsafety. It, and others, are available for iOS and Android.) There are also emergency features on both Apple and Android phones; research them. You may be able to send an SOS to a trusted friend that includes your location and 5 seconds of video/audio if desired. You can also dial 911 yourself if you feel you can and just leave it open for an operator to listen to the chaos. Many are familiar with this practice, and they may be willing to send a wellness check.
If you don’t feel either of those are safe options, or that a visit from police would make things less safe for you, take some time now to brainstorm what WOULD feel safe to you. Can you make a plan with a friend to have them call you if you text a certain word? To interrupt the chaos? To force the violent parties to hush because someone on the phone might hear them, or because you had to get up and go to another room to take it? Do you have an ally in the family/friend group who could help you? What feels right to you? If your answer is “Just take it” (the abuse), I urge you to reconsider. You are important. You are valuable. You are worthy of basic needs: safety. You do not need to accept this or endure this any longer.  You have a voice and you have a brilliant mind that can find something else. Anything else.

❄︎ Conquering loneliness.  Many of these tips revolve around gatherings with others. But, for some of you, much of the holiday season is actually spent alone (either by choice or circumstance). Since loneliness can breed all sorts of darkness in the mind, plan your own holiday time for you. Make the day a day to treat yourself like you never do. Watch movies, take a bath, paint your nails, turn your music up, watch new shows on Netflix, read a book, make yourself an elaborate meal, celebrate yourself and how far you’ve come. Go ahead and make everyone slummin’ it with the fam jealous that you were at home having the time of your life in your PJs, coloring an adult coloring book, having Christmas cookies and tea. ;) But, in all seriousness, if you really feel like that’s just going to be too hard even if you make it a fun day for you - much like those spending time with others - make a plan for the day. Outline it. What will you do before the day begins to make sure you're at your strongest? What are you going to do during to keep yourself steady? And what will you do after to decompress and take care of yourself? Make sure your plan has TONS of self-care and self-treating in it. You deserve it!

❄︎ Be kind to yourself.  The holidays are hard. For everyone. Yes, even those who seem to have it all together. It is never going to be perfect. You're likely going to make mistakes, have bad days, be a little short with someone you love, or have a day where you aren't the most patient. You may stumble, or even completely fall apart. While we hope that doesn't happen, but it's okay if it does. Life is a process, and every year is different. None of us get it right every time, or even most of the time. The best and only thing to do after something goes wrong is to practice some self-kindness. Cut yourself some slack and remind yourself that now, if any a time, is the time you need comfort the most...especially from yourself. Be gentle. If you wouldn't tell one of your friends they were stupid or bad for making the exact same mistake, then you aren't either. Breathe. It's safe. You are going to be okay.

And we are here.  So, you're going to be more than okay :)  

We are sending you the warmest of wishes along with an abundance of care and compassion — from all of us here at Beauty After Bruises. You are always in our hearts and we'll be thinking of you tons this holiday season.

For those of you with extra difficult families,
don't forget to check out our follow-up article on
Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families
During the Holidays!

MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Techniques
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201: Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
✧ Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101: Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID Myths: Dispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  Article Index  ❖

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