trauma

Trauma and Attachment (with Jade Miller): Part Two

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Trauma's Effect on Attachment Styles

   We are so honored and eager to bring to you Part Two from guest host and author, Jade Miller, who has created a three-part series on attachment and how it relates to trauma to share with you. If you missed the introductory article on Attachment Theory, as well as our goals with this series, you can check it out here.  But, fear not! There's enough of a recap here that you'll be able follow along if you've only got a minute - though we still encourage you to go back when you have time. So, let's just jump right into it! Please be sure to check out all the wonderful things you need to know about Jade below! We are truly thankful to her for allowing us to bring you her insights and wisdom, and want you to be able to locate and appreciate all of her other work, too.

 


 

Trauma and Attachment Styles
 

   In the last post, we discussed secure and insecure attachment and what each mean in terms of the inner beliefs a person holds as result of each. To review:

Secure attachment occurs when a caregiver consistently and appropriately meets a baby’s needs over a long enough period of time that the baby learns to expect a compassionate response. This causes them to internalize the belief that the world is basically a good place, that they themselves are worth caring for, and that others are willing to meet their needs.

Insecure attachment occurs when – for any reason – a caregiver is incapable of or unwilling to meet a baby’s needs predictably and in an appropriate way. Babies interpret this in slightly different ways, depending on their unique personality, and thus can result in one of three types of insecure attachment.  But the bottom line will be that their view of the world, themselves, and/or others is negatively affected.

   In this post I’m going to share how trauma affects people differently based on their attachment styles formed in infancy.

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   To put it very simply, trauma occurs when something happens to someone that is beyond their ability to process it in a healthy way, so the experience is not integrated correctly on a physical, emotional, or neurological level. (Some people prefer to understand it in terms of emotional and even physical energy that becomes trapped in the body with no way of being released.) In most cases, trauma happens when a person perceives a threat to their life, bodily integrity, or sanity

    It’s important to understand that the factors that cause an event to be experienced as traumatic are unique to each individual. No two people are the same, so even those who experience the same event (e.g. a natural disaster, or siblings who witness domestic violence in the home) may react to it differently according to their unique biological makeup as well as their individual personalities and sensitivities.

 

Trauma and Individuals with Secure Attachments

   People who are lucky enough to have a secure attachment to a caregiver as infants/children are at a significant advantage when it comes to experiencing a traumatic event. Sensitive caregivers are available and able to help them process the trauma so that it becomes appropriately integrated in their bodies, minds, and emotions.

   When a person experiences trauma, but has a secure attachment to someone, that attachment can restore their sense of security and counteract the effects of the trauma. When a child experiences something potentially traumatic, they seek comfort from their attachment figure. Secure attachments help children regulate emotional arousal that occurs in the face of a threat. Later, the attachment figure will help the child form a narrative about the event so that the brain can adequately process it. Rather than the event becoming stuck in the right brain as just experience and raw sensory data, a sensitive caregiver will help the child contextualize and understand what happened - which is one way of bringing the trauma into the left brain, synching the two halves, and helping the mind integrate the experience.

   Here is an example: Suppose a child is playing on the playground in the park, and suddenly a person walks by with an aggressive dog on a leash. The dog sees the child and lunges toward them, barking and growling, before being pulled away by its owner. 

   A child with a secure attachment will most likely run to its caregiver, crying, and the caregiver will pick up the child and comfort them. A sensitive and empathetic caregiver might say something like, “Wow, that must have been so scary! I’m sorry that dog scared you!” They will comfort the child by holding or hugging them until the child is calm. The very best way of helping a child integrate the scary experience they just had would be for the caregiver to actually put the experience into narrative form. They may say something like, “You were playing on the playground and then a big scary dog came by and barked at you. It scared you really bad. Then you came running over to Mama and I hugged you until you felt better.” The brain’s memory bank is sometimes described as an elaborate filing system. And, trauma has the potential to become stuck in a separate part of the brain, instead of being filed correctly. Forming a narrative helps the child make sense of what happened to them so the brain knows how to file the memory appropriately and can then “close out” of the “file,” so to speak, once it understands. With very young children, they may need to talk about the event and hear the story repeated over and over before they are able to finish processing it.

 

Trauma and Individuals with Insecure Attachments

   If a person without a secure attachment relationship experiences trauma, the event is more likely to remain unprocessed and unresolved from an emotional, physical, and neurological viewpoint. The person is often unable to regain their sense of safety in the world and may experience the threat of trauma as ongoing, even after the actual threat has subsided. In the face of unrelenting hyper-arousal, dissociation is often next in line as the person attempts to cope.

   It’s important to understand that without a secure attachment style, an overwhelming event is more likely to be perceived as trauma, no matter whether the person is still a child or not. People who grow up securely attached have developed much-needed skills to help them process overwhelming events and reduce the likelihood that they will become traumatized by something. However, this does not mean that securely attached people are never traumatized. It simply means the risk that something will be experienced as traumatic is lower, and the amount of time it takes for them to recover from a genuine trauma is often less than those with insecure attachment styles.

   People with an insecure attachment styles do not have a healthy template with which to relate to others, the world, and themselves. They are more likely to experience something overwhelming as a trauma, because they lack the internal (and often external) resources with which to process it. Below are the tendencies of each insecure attachment style in how they cope with emotional distress (traumatic or otherwise).

 

  People with an avoidant attachment style often see other people as a source of apathy, fear, or discomfort. So traumatic experiences do not drive them to seek help from others. Rather, they withdraw internally even more, and attempt to utilize their own resources to cope with an overwhelming event. Many attachment experts theorize that people with this attachment style are more likely to develop addictions. Those with the avoidant attachment style see people as a source of indifference or distress rather than a source of help, so they turn instead to ways of comforting themselves that do not involve other people.

  People with the insecure attachment style see other people as a helpful resource, but their low self-esteem creates a seemingly bottomless void of need. These people are often drawn into co-dependent relationships because they see others as their only source of comfort and soothing. They have not internalized the ability to self-soothe because their early interactions with caregivers were inconsistent or confusing. They did not receive comfort consistently enough to learn how to comfort themselves, so they feel the constant need for contact and connection to others when they are overwhelmed.

  People with the disorganized attachment style – as noted previously – do not have any consistent way of responding to emotional upset. They view others as dangerous or scary, and themselves as unworthy of help. They have never formed a reliable strategy to deal with powerful emotions, so they are often haphazard in their attempts to cope with overwhelming events. They may seek comfort from others at times (although such comfort is rarely internalized), or they may withdraw. At other times, they may seem unaffected or numb to the traumatic experience, and they are prone to dissociation as a defense mechanism. (Please note that anyone with any attachment style can utilize dissociation; the disorganized style is just more prone to it.)

   In the example of the child on a playground, lunged at by a big scary dog: those with insecure attachment styles, if faced with the same situation, could be at risk of a lifelong phobia of dogs. Or, they could be triggered to an anxiety attack by the sound of a dog barking or growling. The fear and panic they felt then, if experienced as trauma and left unintegrated, could cause all kinds of symptoms in their adult life. 
 

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If you are interested in learning more about emotional development and/or attachment and trauma here are some links: 

・・ Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development (Allan Schore)

・・ Joystarters.com – Please note that this is a faith-based blog, but there are some great articles on attachment, crisis, and neuroscience

・・ The Link Between Types of Attachment and Childhood Trauma

・・ Neuroscience Attachments & Relationships



Stay tuned for Part Three of the Trauma and Attachment series, coming soon!

 


    Jade Miller would describe herself as a blogger, artist, SRA survivor, peer worker, and member of a poly-fragmented DID system.  ..who also desires to bring education and awareness about the reality of SRA/DID to the public and increase the number and availability of resources to survivors for healing.  We would firmly agree, and also add that she's a fantastic advocate, with an abundance of passion, knowledge and experience of which we can all benefit.  Her blog is not only an invaluable resource, but she's also a published author with some must-read material.  Notably for survivors are her two illustrated books for younger parts of DID systems called Dear Little Ones and Dear Little Ones (Book 2: About Parents)!  You can even listen to her read it on YouTube, and see the illustrations.  She's also written books on Attachment and Dissociation, and has also compiled her experiences of struggle and healing into more personal books in the past.  All of these are very well worth your time, and we strongly encourage you to seek out all of her published work as well as her online presence (listed below).  We are super honored to partner with her to bring you this series and deeply value her support to us, and to survivors everywhere!
 

FIND JADE ON ALL HER PLATFORMS!

 -  J8 Peer Consulting       -  Amazon Author Page
  -  Facebook                          -  LinkedIn

 

MORE INFORMATIVE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  -  DID MythsDispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative identity Disorder
  -  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  -  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  -  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
  -  Imagery 101Healing Pool and Healing Light

 

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

  -  Facebook
  -  Twitter
  -  Instagram

Trauma and Attachment (with Jade Miller): Part One

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Understanding Attachment Theory

   We are so honored and eager to bring to you guest host and author, Jade Miller, who has created a three-part series on attachment and how it relates to trauma to share with you here.  We know the words 'attachment theory' can sound foreign or intimidating to those without a psychological background, or even sound like something that doesn't really pertain to you or matter much.  But, it truly does, and our goal throughout the series is to demystify it in a way that is very approachable and can teach you valuable things about yourself and your healing.  It is so helpful for survivors (especially those with C-PTSD and Dissociative Disorders), as well as their loved ones and supporters, to truly understand the complexities and nuances of attachment, because they play such an integral role in how these disorders come to be and why they're so multidimensional beyond just the PTSD.  While the trauma itself is disruptive, it's the attachments we have not only to our perpetrators but with everyone else on the outside that further impact how we internalize that trauma and how we view the world around us.  We truly hope this series is both enlightening and helpful as you continue on your path of understanding and wellness.  And, we are truly thankful to Jade for allowing us to bring you her insights and wisdom.  Please be sure to check out all the wonderful things you need to know about her below! 

 

Attachment Theory in a Nutshell

  Attachment theory is the theory that humans are born with an innate tendency to seek care, help and comfort from members of their social group when they are facing overwhelming danger and/or are in physical or emotional distress. The group of behaviors used to solicit caregiving behaviors from others is known as the “attachment system.” In infants, the primary attachment-seeking behaviors would include crying, and (when old enough) what is known as an “approach” method - which seeks physical closeness to, and comfort from, the attachment figure. (The attachment figure is usually the mother and father, but can sometimes be another relative or whoever takes care of the baby’s physical and emotional needs most often.) If you’ve ever had the chance to people-watch in a place where there are children, you’ll probably notice that very young children stay close to their parent. And if they do venture away – on a playground, for example – and something scares them, they will run or crawl quickly back to their parents. This “approach method” is an attachment-seeking behavior. The opposite of carrying out an attachment-seeking behavior is trying to “avoid” something in the environment that is perceived as threatening. Attempts to avoid a threat usually involve the baby either ignoring it or actively seeking distance from it, rather than trying to approach it.  The behavior of approaching a caregiver when distressed is simply part of our survival instinct as a species.

 

What is important to understand about the attachment system is:

1) it is primal and innate, as it has been linked to evolution and survival, and forms the patterns by which the person relates to others in the future,

2) it is formed during the earliest development of an infant through interactions with the mother, father, and/or primary caregiver(s), and

3) the attachment system is powerfully activated during and after any experience of fear and of physical or psychological pain. This is why it matters so much in relation to trauma.

  So now that you know what it is, let me briefly describe the types of attachment that can be formed, depending on those crucial early interaction patterns.


 

Attachment Styles - Secure and Insecure


To break it down for you, there are 2 types of attachment: secure and insecure.

   Secure attachment is (or should be) the goal of all parenting behaviors and interactions between mother/father/caregiver and child, from birth to independence and beyond.  Securely attached infants develop positive, healthy, and relationally-effective internal working models (called IWM’s by the psych folks) that become the blueprint – or software, if you prefer – for the way they interact with people and the world at large, generally speaking, for the rest of their lives. It also affects, to no small degree, their perspective of themselves and their own lives. The securely attached infant’s IWM is based on the belief that the world is a good place and the infant is a good person; they are forming the belief that others are capable of and willing to meet their needs, and that they are worthy of having their needs met. Securely attached babies may express distress when they are separated from their caregivers, but they readily accept comfort when the caregiver returns to them.
 

Insecure attachment, on the other hand, breaks down into 3 subgroups:  

  Insecure-avoidant (also known as insecure-dismissive) is the infant that may appear content – or even indifferent – in regard to their caregiver.  Sometimes these infants are even mistaken by people unfamiliar with infant development for securely attached children because they do not react to separation from their caregiver. They do not react to reunion either; they appear indifferent to their caregivers’ presence or absence. The truth is that these infants have closed themselves off to the world. Their IWM summary – if they were able to think abstractly – would be “the world is a bad place but I am a good person, so I will shut out the world.”  They do not turn to other people for help or comfort.  Brain scans of these babies, when placed in a situation that would normally cause distress, show that despite the fact that they do not cry or fuss, they truly are distressed and their level of distress – as shown by the brain activity on the scans – is the same or greater than their peers who are securely attached (or insecurely attached but in a different subgroup); they have simply learned to suppress it.  They don’t actively seek caregivers’ attention.  They turn inward and search for internal resources and solutions that do not involve other people.

  Insecure-anxious (also known as insecure-ambivalent) is the infant that seeks their caregivers’ attention when distressed, but is not readily comforted despite their caregivers’ attempts to do so.  Their IWM would be summarized: “The world is a good place but I am a bad person, so external comfort cannot help me.”  These infants exhibit attachment-seeking behaviors but when the caregivers try to comfort them, it takes much longer to calm them down, if calming can be achieved at all.  They seek outside help but simultaneously view such help as ineffective.

  Insecure-disorganized infants have not managed to organize their reactions in any enduring way.  Sometimes they appear avoidant, sometimes they appear ambivalent, and other times they appear secure.  Their reactions to separation or distress are unpredictable and un-enduring over time.  These infants’ IMW would be summarized thusly: “The world is a bad place and I am a bad person, there is nothing I or anyone else can do to help me.”  They are unpredictable and seem confused. They sometimes exhibit both attachment-seeking and avoiding behaviors simultaneously or in rapid succession, as if they are trying to pursue two incompatible goals at the same time.  They do not seem to know what they want or how to get it.

 

  Attachment theory is a topic that I am very passionate about, because I believe the early blueprints we develop, which become our beliefs about the world and ourselves, inform every future relationship we have with others and even ourselves. A person’s attachment style, and the availability of healthy people with which they can bond, profoundly affect the impact a traumatic experience will have on someone. I will write more about that in the next blog post.

  If you want more in-depth history and discussion of attachment theory, the research is plentiful and easy to find. If you don’t like any of those links, Google “attachment theory” or “John Bowlby” and/or “Mary Ainsworth” and you will have an abundance of reading material. Their methodology for establishing the foundation for their theories is also available, which I’m not going to discuss here because it’s not pertinent to the material at hand and I’m already attempting to condense plenty of information. If you do want a breakdown of the methodology, Google “The Strange Situation," in conjunction with Bowlby/Ainsworth.
 

In the next post I will talk about why attachment style matters and how it affects a person’s response to a traumatic experience.

 


   
   Jade Miller would describe herself as a blogger, artist, SRA survivor, peer worker, and member of a poly-fragmented DID system.  ..who also desires to bring education and awareness about the reality of SRA/DID to the public and increase the number and availability of resources to survivors for healing.  We would firmly agree, and also add that she's a fantastic advocate, with an abundance of passion, knowledge and experience of which we can all benefit.  Her blog is not only an invaluable resource, but she's also a published author with some must-read material.  Notably for survivors are her two illustrated books for younger parts of DID systems called Dear Little Ones and Dear Little Ones (Book 2: About Parents)!  You can even listen to her read it on YouTube, and see the illustrations.  She's also written books on Attachment and Dissociation, and has also compiled her experiences of struggle and healing into more personal books in the past.  All of these are very well worth your time, and we strongly encourage you to seek out all of her published work as well as her online presence (listed below).  We are super honored to partner with her to bring you this series and deeply value her support to us, and to survivors everywhere!
 

FIND JADE ON ALL HER PLATFORMS!

 -  J8 Peer Consulting       -  Amazon Author Page
  -  Facebook                          -  LinkedIn
                                   
 

 

MORE INFORMATIVE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  -  DID MythsDispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative identity Disorder
  -  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  -  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  -  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
  -  Imagery 101Healing Pool and Healing Light

 

FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

  -  Facebook
  -  Twitter
  -  Instagram

Why the name Beauty After Bruises?

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  We have gotten a few questions and comments over the 2+ years since starting our mission, wondering: Why the name Beauty After Bruises?  It’s attention-getting no doubt, and full of symbolism, so each person who hears it walks away with their own interpretation of the words.  For many it’s even a little jarring, leaving them to immediately imagine the pain of those we seek to help.  It makes some strangers in passing uncomfortable even.  And when it comes to the survivors we help, it’s been mostly sincere appreciation, with the occasional mixed review that nearly always yields the most love in the end.  Those who are close to us feel that it empowers and lifts them up. But a small handful of survivors - mostly via social media - have mentioned it left them a little too uneasy.  For them, the word Bruises brought with it vivid images of abuse they just didn’t want to think about.  Luckily, in each case, inquiring about it gave us a chance to share our intent and they walked away feeling strengthened by it, no longer at war internally - and, for some, they left feeling braver and prouder each time they scrolled past the word Bruises, no longer blanching or feeling small.  That's a pretty dramatic leap.  And it was responses like those that really encouraged us to share this message today.  What could have turned them around so strongly?  And, why would we name our charity and our mission something that could everrr upset or make aaanyone uneasy EVER?  There is no short answer, only a long one.  But the quickest summary is that it is necessary and that it honors survivors in a way they might not have even realized they needed.   Let me explain…

  Abuse of any kind makes people uncomfortable.  Period.  It makes them shy away, hush their voices, and try to avoid any exposure to the topic at all — seeing it, hearing about it, talking about it, even remedying it.  Collectively, we all try to speak in more euphemistic terms or find literally ANY other word we can come up with when trying to discuss things like current events, social matters, or situations in our personal lives.  News articles containing the proper verbiage can make us recoil or even consciously decide to stop reading and move on to something else.  It suddenly feels too graphic.  …all because they didn’t use softer language to describe “the thing we knoooow they’re talking about." "Do they have to keep saying it?!”. 

  For survivors or those with panic disorders, avoiding these things is different because it can genuinely trigger terrible memories and panic; they need to protect themselves.  But as a society, we avoid anything that feels too harsh or too real.  But, this euphemistic, protective environment we create for ourselves while simply reading stories that are far-removed from us fosters the exact same kind of environment to be present when we see it in our real lives.  This “look away unless it’s palatable” mindset is what makes people turn away from someone with a black eye or marks on their body.  ...later convincing themselves they did so just because they were being polite, they didn't want to stare or offend, right?  We create safer reasons and stories in our minds for how a child we know may’ve gotten a curious injury or why they might look so disheveled each day, instead of going with our gut.  We even disbelieve those who open up and tell us that something really terrible happened to them, even when they have zero reason to lie.  “Maybe they just wanted some attention”, we consider.  If we can’t even hear or read the words surrounding abuse of those we don't even know just because they’re too harsh or “make us think unpleasant things”, how are we ever going to be able to listen, tolerate, really be there for, and believe(!!) a friend or loved one who comes to us saying they've been hurt?  You cannot look away or keep scrolling when it’s right in front of you!  And yet, it's the very reason so many quickly jump to minimizing, invalidating, questioning, defending, redirecting, trivializing, placating, shaming, lecturing (the list goes on!) whenever they ARE sitting across from it.  Anything to make it “not so intense” for themselves…regardless of how intense and inescapable it might be for the person going through it.  This HAS to change.

  The world has to get more comfortable with hearing hard words; and “bruises” really isn’t too harsh a word to sit with.  We could have gone the more common route, electing something flowery or that focuses solely on the “good, presentable parts” of being a survivor — like strength, fighter, perseverance, hope, healing and so forth.  But, to us, that feels like we’re doing the very thing our survivors have had to do their entire lives: cover up their wounds and make everything pretty so that other people can be more comfortable.  We want all survivors to know they can come to us as broken and “unpretty” as they may be, and know that we aren’t going to flinch or falter or be too horrified to pick them up and take them in.  And, when they’re ready, we will gladly help them find some light and beauty and hope again - in all of its raw and unexpected forms.  We won’t ever once ask them to hide or soften the broken pieces along the way - not for our comfort, let alone anyone else’s for that matter.  They are the ones hurting.  They never get to escape it. We can all tolerate being uncomfortable for just a few moments.  And by giving our charity a shiny or glitzy name, we'd be glossing over eeeeeverything they’ve been through - wrapping it all up in a pretty little basket with a big, fat insulting bow on top, calling the world’s attention to only the poised and Smiley Survivors™.  That’s what abusers want you to do.  And we’re saying NO.  You come to us with the scars on your heart and body and we won’t shudder or look away - nor will the community we’ve built here.  We aren’t afraid of the hard stuff - to hear it or see it, know that it exists or fight against it.  But we also want to help bring you to the beauty, to the peacefulness you seek and so deeply deserve.  It absolutely exists and we want to help you claim it.  However, it's a more vivid and authentic experience of beauty when you've truly nurtured and healed the wounds, instead of having spent your whole life working to paint over them.

  Beauty After Bruises is about reclaiming what is yours.  It’s about no longer hiding.  It’s owning your story without shame.   It’s about being vulnerable and learning to trust.  It’s about acknowledging that even though the bruises on your skin may have faded, the bruises on your heart still need to be handled with care.  Our name, and our mission, is about letting survivors take off their metaphorical sunglasses, makeup and long sleeves and stand securely in themselves, knowing they don’t have to hide anything.  It’s not their secret to conceal.  They did nothing wrong.  It’s also about getting the world on the same page.  Getting it more comfortable with the realities around them, so that they’re less likely to huddle their kids close and shuffle away whenever they see someone who might need help.  Making it so that when a survivor comes to their best friend, telling them something terrible just happened, their friend isn’t so overwhelmed and trying to just “click away” that they end up searching for a million reasons it might have been the survivor's fault, wasn’t really that bad, or that maybe even the perpetrator “didn’t really mean to”.  We need to keep creating a world where our visceral reactions to the harsh realities around us stop sending the message to traumatized survivors that what they’ve been through is “too much”, “too dirty” or “too unspeakable”.  We want survivors to know they can speak and be heard.  Share and be believed.  Trust and have it honored.  Be vulnerable and experience healing.  Heal and find beauty.

We genuinely and truly believe there is beauty after bruises.  We’ve seen it.  And we want to help you experience that.  All of you.

 


 

QoTD: For our survivors, supporters, and passersby, what do you think and feel when you hear "Beauty After Bruises"?  What does it mean to you?  What do you feel?  What things to you see in your mind or notice in your chest?  Let us know and share with others in the comments! :)