Regarding the Film 'Split'

 

Our Support for Survivors and Statements Regarding the Film 'Split':

We at Beauty After Bruises have spent the past month - ever since first hearing of the upcoming film 'Split' - thinking long and hard, holding discussions amongst the board, talking with survivors, and just paying attention to the general chatter surrounding the movie.  We’ve been trying very hard to find the most effective, most thoughtful, and most sincere way to not only address our concerns, but most importantly, to lift our survivors up in its wake.

For those of you unaware, Split is a psychological thriller - behind which M Night Shyamalan is the mastermind - that features a man with Dissociative Identity Disorder terrorizing and abusing women as a result of his disorder and introjected personalities, and even murdering his own therapist.  We, of course, have not seen the film, nor have we discovered what “twists” might lie ahead or could suddenly ‘change the whole story’ — but we recognize that already does not matter, and for many reasons. What matters is that, for the umpteenth time in traditional media, someone with DID is being portrayed as dangerous, violent, “insane”, manipulative, and/or capable of unspeakable crimes — most often murder.  To date, there is still not one semi-accurate (meaning, as close as film can come while still being entertaining) portrayal of the disorder.  Those which have come significantly closer have still managed to paint survivors as untrustworthy, unfaithful, and unsafe (both toward others and themselves). These movies/shows are often the only exposure to the condition most will ever get. And, while viewers may know it’s “just a movie”, it still leaves a strong impression - particularly when you’re only ever given one message over and over and over again. Many won't even go see this movie; they'll only have seen the trailer. With zero chance for greater context, their sole takeaway will be that those with DID are dangerous. That they have these “wild and reckless alter egos”, that they're "insane or sociopathic”, even leading some to wonder if it’s all fake and people are just lying in order to blame their crimes on alters. These recycled concepts are not only grossly inaccurate, they do a massive disservice to anyone with DID: complex trauma survivors.

One of our primary missions here has always been to educate — not just clinicians, but the general public.  We need to demystify this disorder that is anything but rare and yet still the one no one seems to know anything credible about.  We’d be letting trauma survivors down if we didn’t seize the opportunity to do so now.  It’s the only silver lining in this otherwise extremely disheartening circumstance - a spotlight to educate.  So, if you have seen the trailer, or your curiosity has been piqued for any other reason, you’re in luck.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a disorder that stems from severe, repetitive, longterm childhood trauma — most often abuse and neglect.  It can only develop before the ages of roughly 6-9 (though some research suggests even earlier) and that is because the prolonged exposure to trauma interrupts the constant, ever-changing psychological development of a child.  In the brain’s sheer attempt to survive, it creates dissociative barriers within the mind which, oversimplified, blocks off and prevents full communication across all parts of the brain.  These compartmentalized areas - often containing the awareness of and painful emotions surrounding the trauma - continue to develop in both identity and character just as they would in any child at that age. But, because of those thick barriers, alters (also known as self-states or parts) with their own name, age, and personality can begin to develop - influenced and shaped by their limited exposure to the world. And, because of the inability to communicate freely across the whole mind, it often results in amnesia for much of the trauma. It is held within individual alters and often unknown by the rest of the system until therapy begins or something major triggers a more spontaneous awareness. They are not “alter egos” or “completely different people”. They’re parts of ONE mind, pieces that make up the whole person — each relating to the world, themselves, their perpetrators, and one another differently based on the knowledge and emotions they have access to at the time.

Alters can and do “switch” - meaning they can each take executive control of the body.  However, while it's common to be unaware of these switches as a child, as the survivor grows older (particularly if they’ve begun therapy), those with DID can and often do know when it happens. For those who are still unaware of their DID, they may start to notice that they’re losing time, things are out of place, or they have no recollection of conversations that loved ones swear they had, etc. Things begin to add up and make them aware something is wrong, even if they aren't sure what exactly that is just yet.  If one is in therapy or already self-aware, they can begin to greater gain access to these parts of their mind and learn to communicate - meeting one another for the first time, discovering and processing the traumatic material, and learning how to live more effectively and efficiently in the world.  Together.  Some individuals are even able to begin this without therapy. It can be really organic and healthy, despite intrinsically difficult and painful. So, survivors are absolutely in no way “insane”.  The vast majority experience zero psychotic symptoms at all, and those that do have additional mental health struggles entirely separate from their DID.  Most, however, do have co-occurring Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and will wrestle with flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and all of the other nasty, grueling symptoms that come with being a complex trauma survivor.

DID patients can recover, and that recovery doesn’t always have to involve integrating into just one personality — but for some it does.  Most with DID function out in the world every day -coping with and managing both their internal systems and posttraumatic symptoms - and live productive lives just like everyone else. And, they typically do so without anyone around them the wiser.  DID tends to be a disorder of concealment, not drama.  Drastic, flashy, overt switching would have attracted far too much attention when they were younger and likely resulted in more violence. Most have learned to hide their switching to the point its imperceptible even to some well-trained therapists.  It’s not as United States of Tara as you have been led to believe.

Which, that brings us back to the film, Spilt.


Above all things, we want you to know that survivors with DID ARE NOT ANY MORE DANGEROUS THAN ANYONE ELSE.  In fact, they are far more likely to be re-victimized than they are to harm another individual.  (Like, dramatically more likely.)  They are not axe murders, serial killers, terrorizers, nor are they always plotting some violent revenge on their abusers.  And, if they do commit any sort of wrongdoing, they must also be (and nearly always are) held accountable for their actions — regardless if they were aware of them at the time or not.  They cannot blame a crime on another alter, nor can they plea insanity solely because another part of their mind was forward at the time.  That is not insanity. It does not hold up in a court of law.  Only a marginal percentage of those with DID have committed any crimes at all, and those who have were usually minor offenses.  So, films like this, while they may be entertaining and really hit the spot for those who love to be thrilled psychologically, paint an entire community of vulnerable, already-victimized individuals as if they are the ones who are violent and dangerous.  These innocent folks have known violence for so much of their lives and all they want now is just to get by - and bonus if they get be seen and recognized just within their own mental health community. It does them an indescribable amount of harm every time someone uses their years and years of torment as a child, and subsequent decades of pain and trauma processing, as a plot point for others' amusement or terror.

We recognize that M Night is an extremely talented, creative and gifted artist.  He’s capable of mind-bending work.  But we know those gifts could be better-cultivated through art that does not actively hurt those who’ve already been hurt for so long.  We have put a great deal of thought and reflection into this, as have professionals and entire organizations who research this disorder, and know confidently that this has no shades of reactivity nor oversensitivity.  It's not getting upset just to be upset. That would do us, and survivors, no good.  This is about standing up for and protecting a group of individuals that NO ONE has stood up for or cared about for most of their lives. Ignorantly portraying mental illness in any media is lazy and has always been detrimental, but these survivors have been fighting for 50+ years just to be recognized in their own community, by their own physicians. They just want to be seen as valid, as honest, and in desperate need of educated treatment.  We have finally started making progress in that battle, but we still have so far to go.  So when it comes to public media, not having even ONE single positive portrayal of a survivor with DID is something to be unhappy about, but needing more than both hands to count each one that’s portrayed them as violent, dangerous, manipulative con artists and murderers?  It’s just absolutely inexcusable at this point, and we do not need one more.  It’s just… it’s so low. To not only hurt the abused further, and trivialize this highly intricate adaptation that they needed just to survive, but to effectively demonize them?  Just so you can make a killing? (Literally and figuratively?) It is so sad, disheartening, frustrating, and so many other things. We ache on behalf of all survivors.

Above everything else:  Survivors?  We want you to know that we stand with you.  We respect and admire you.  We understand what the battle you face every single day of your lives just to keep going.  And, we will always fight for you.  We have promised that since day one and this is us keeping that promise. We also stand alongside, and are incredibly grateful to, The International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISST-D) — one of the most respected and revered organizations when it comes to complex trauma — who have also released a public statement regarding this film.  They have worded things far more eloquently than we ever could hope, and we want to link their video and written statement so that you can further grasp the impact a film like this can have, and understand what survivors with DID are facing daily. But, more than that?  You’ll get to see someone else standing up for survivors and using this [albeit unfortunate] opportunity to educate the public and show care and compassion toward those who need it most.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVrjszrSHoo

http://www.isst-d.org/downloads/Statement%20on%20Split-final.pdf

There are times when it’s no longer helpful to try your best not to make waves. There are times when it’s necessary to use your voice and speak up, and speak clearly, for those in pain.  This is us using our voice for you, in hopes that it can elevate yours.

Grounding 101: Featuring 101 Grounding Techniques!


WHAT IS GROUNDING?

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WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT?

     Grounding is an incredibly important skill for anyone with a posttraumatic or dissociative disorder.  Being present and in the here and now is absolutely paramount to a person's physical and mental wellbeing.  While it may not always be comfortable to be grounded, and can sometimes even be downright agonizing (particularly when one is experiencing intense or upsetting emotions, physical pain, or any unpleasant life circumstance), it is the only way to ensure basic safety as well as prevent additional psychological symptoms.  When we are ungrounded - no matter where on the spectrum of severity - we are immediately more vulnerable to flashbacks; intrusive images, thoughts and sounds; self-harm urges; switching (DID); and many other destabilizing symptoms.  Being ungrounded can also even create the illusion of safety and protection, when in reality it's when we are at our most vulnerable and unable to judge who and what is safe around us.  So, unfortunately, the very skill that protected us the most during our trauma and is what got us through becomes a maladaptive, and at times dangerous, coping mechanism in adulthood.  So, what can you do?  

     For starters, just being able to recognize your personal warning signs of dissociation, as well as where you fall on the spectrum, is a great start.  Once you've been able to label the range of your personal spectrum (maybe from just a little foggy to fully rolodex switching, or from abnormally absent-minded to completely depersonalized), identifying what things look and feel like for you at each stage in the gradient will serve you very well.  Consider making a personal 1-10 scale and describe what a 5 looks like versus a 2, a 7 or a 10.  This will help you be more self-aware when you are actively dissociating, better able to communicate what you're experiencing to others (which gives them a chance to be more helpful), and most importantly, by breaking things down in this way, you can more clearly consider what interventions will be most effective for you.  What you're able to do when things are at a 2 and you're just starting to drift may be completely out of reach when flashbacks are raining down on you and you can't even remember where you are.
     Our list of 101 Techniques here includes interventions that can work at various levels of groundedness (as well as in different locations/scenarios), but they definitely won't be useful at every stage. Additionally, many of these will be incredibly helpful to one person but could even make things worse for another.  Personalization is key when it comes to grounding.  Some activities may also be triggering for one survivor but just the ticket for someone else. (Everyone's triggers and sensitivities are different and that's perfectly okay.  There's no shame or guilt to be had if you just can't try something.  Just keep moving along until you find the next good one for you!)  Take what you can use here and leave the rest.  But also, don't be afraid to try things that don't immediately appeal to you.  You may find that what you thought would never work for you may be the most effective thing you've ever tried!  ..and vice versa!  Trial and error is another key here!

     So, here is our list of 101 Grounding Techniques.  We will likely keep adding to this and make additional new posts as we collect even more.  So, go ahead and bookmark this for when you might be scrambling and in need of some help!  It'll always be here for you. And the BEST part is that you get to add your own and share with other survivors who are in the same place as you.  Leave them a comment here and share your go-to grounding techniques.  Working together and brainstorming through the hard stuff as a collective is how we all heal more effectively, more meaningfully and much more quickly!  So, let's hear 'em!  No tool or technique is too silly or insignificant!

     Here we go!  Let's do dis.


101 Grounding Techniques

 

  1. Open your eyes! (Sounds simple and obvious, but you’d be amazed how instinctively you close them during symptoms, and just how much more you dissociate with them closed!)

  2. Put your feet on the floor. (I know it feels safer and cozier tucked up in a ball or with your legs up on the chair, but pressing your feet firmly into the floor and opening up your body is a grounding must!)

  3. Uncover your ears. (Another “duh” one, but for many in flashbacks, it’s instinctive, aaand not something most wanna let go of easily. But holding that position keeps your brain convinced that you’re in danger. Plus! You can’t hear! ;) And you’re gonna want your hearing.)

  4. Name 5 things you can see.

  5. Name 4 things you hear.

  6. Name 3 things you can smell.

  7. Touch a variety of textures and fabrics. List them to yourself as you do so. Describe them to yourself. Do you like them? Dislike them?

  8. Remind yourself of the date/year. (Or look on your phone to learn it.)

  9. Remind yourself of your name, how old you are, where you are, and why you’re there.

  10. Take several deep deep breaths. Exhale longer than you inhale.

  11. Start separating the past from the present. (Notice all the things that are different from the memories or thoughts that are being so intrusive - i.e. electronics that weren’t around back then, that you’re outside now not inside, that there are people around you that you didn’t know then, that you're an adult, that you live somewhere else, etc etc.)

  12. Look at your hands and feet. Notice they’re adult hands. Orient yourself to your body as you watch your fingers move.

  13. Disengage from staring off or focusing too intently on one object or area for too long.

  14. Stop swaying, rocking, or other rhythmic behaviors that may be trancing you. Yes, we know just how enticing and comforting and mindless this can be, but it may be making things worse. If you’re struggling instead with feeling frozen, try rocking just mildly BUT try not to fall into any sort of “rhythm”.

  15. Vocalize. Say something to yourself. Hum. Sing. ..anything to hear and feel your voice in your throat. It also reminds you that you HAVE a voice.

  16. Turn on some music. (Try to keep the music current if you’re struggling with flashbacks.)

  17. Splash your face with/run your hands under cold water.

  18. Chew mint or cinnamon gum. Notice the intense flavor and powerful scent.

  19. Suck on mints or sour candies - or anything with a really intense taste and smell. You don’t have to like it, it just needs to get your attention.

  20. Repeat a calming mantra to yourself.

  21. Color breathing.

  22. Internal communication. Remind parts who may be triggered that you’re safe and okay, just upset or experiencing symptoms right now.

  23. Name 5 things you can see that are blue.

  24. Spot 5 circles you can see in the room/your line of vision.

  25. Find all the diamond-shaped items you can see. (This one’s harder!)

  26. Find 3 things that are orange. (...or any other rare color.)

  27. Call up a friend or safe person to talk to.

  28. Sing along with the radio or your iPod. (This is particularly useful in the car.)

  29. If you’re driving and starting to drift, grip the steering wheel and notice all of its grooves and edges and seams. (If you’re too dissociated, immediately pull over and start re-grounding while sitting still before driving again.)

  30. Crack a window (this is particularly useful in a car, but works at home, too). Feel the wind and notice the new sound by your ears.

  31. Trace all the fabrics and seams of furniture or clothing articles within reach. Note to yourself the difference between the cool buttons, rougher denims, soft smooth surfaces, and jagged zippers.

  32. If you are lying in bed when it begins, sit up. Laying down can make it much more difficult to ground and your other techniques may less effective.

  33. Journal. Write down what’s happening - particularly if it’s upsetting. Fold the page over into the book so you can't see anything you wrote anymore. Seal up and contain the dark stuff there and shut the book tight where it can’t bother you anymore. Then reconvene with other grounding techniques once it's away.

  34. Write a note to someone, or even yourself. Feel the pen or pencil graze against the paper and notice the color as it hits the page.

  35. Play calming apps or games on your phone or tablet. (If they are trancing, try to play something else or turn the phone off if you can't resist.)

  36. Stretch. Open up your body so wide and press your feet firmly into the ground. Orient yourself to your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes.

  37. Dance. If you have the room to do so, do a silly dance or a even a serious one. Notice as you regain your balance and coordination from when you started.

  38. Try some brain puzzles like Sudoko, word searches, or game apps with puzzles that require problem-solving.

  39. Send text messages or write yourself a note on your phone. Feel your fingers tapping the glass as you type and try hitting all the right letters. Notice any of the haptic feedback with each long press or short tap.

  40. Pet a kitty or dog or other animal that may be around.

  41. Take your dog (or cat ;) ) for a walk.

  42. Change scenery. If you’re in the living room, go to the kitchen. If you’re in the bathroom, head to the dining room. If you’re in the bedroom, walk outside. If you’re outside, go somewhere new. A change of scenery can do a lot, even if you don’t know why the first place was causing you so much grief.

  43. Watch some funny videos on YouTube. (Maybe even make yourself a playlist of good laughs for when you’ll need them.)

  44. Put on hand lotions or antibacterial gels that have a strong fragrance. Are they cool or warm? Thin or thick? Soft or stinging?

  45. Paint your nails. Notice the intense scent and vibrant color. Guys can do this too!

  46. Take your current nail polish off if you have any on. Notice the pungency of the acetone. (Please don’t do this if you’re extra ungrounded. Your skin and potential furniture items will not appreciate an accident.)

  47. Feed your pets if you have them.

  48. Eat something - you may be very hungry. Notice all the different flavors and textures and scents. Perhaps choose something with a lot of flavor.

  49. Get a cold, cold glass of water. Feel the coldness in your throat and against your hand. Notice the slippery condensation on the glass with your fingers.

  50. Drink coffee - even if you don’t like it. Though, be careful about making it too hot. That can be hard to judge if you’re too ungrounded.

  51. Take a bath or shower if that isn’t triggering or an OCD behavior for you. Notice the water pressure and temperature. Smell each individual product before using it. If the shower itself is what’s making you ungrounded but you must take one, narrate to yourself the steps you're taking - almost as if you were hosting a YouTube tutorial. Name the products you're using and even describe to yourself why you like/use them. (Also, bringing music that REALLY pumps you up can really help you stay grounded if you're struggling with showers.)

  52. Play a guitar or piano, or other instrument (if that’s something you can do). Heck, play them even if you have no idea what you're doing! Listen to all the crazy notes you can make. Feel the strings or keys and all the various textures against your fingertips.

  53. Reality-test with a friend. If you aren’t sure if something you’re feeling, seeing, hearing or thinking is real, ask a safe friend to help you decide what is fact from fiction, flashback from present, old trauma messages or your current situation.

  54. Check inside to see if parts need something and/or if they are keeping you ungrounded on purpose or just to get your attention (DID-specific). Try to meet their needs if they reveal them to you and if they are reasonable. Engage in more elaborate internal communication if not.

  55. Watch a cartoon or kids movie - particularly if you have younger parts inside who need the comfort. Do this even if you don’t have parts. You probably still need it, too. ;)

  56. Snuggle up with a suuuuper soft and snuggly blanket or robe. Feel how incredibly warm or soft it is. Notice its threading and colors. What does it smell like?

  57. If you’re outside, slip off your shoes and press your toes into the ground. Is it cool or warm? Jagged or soft? Squishy or muddy? Pavement or macadam? Grass or dirt?

  58. Jump up and down or bounce on the balls of your feet. Feel your shoulders and arms flop and flounce about.

  59. Change all the notification bells on your cell phone. Each time they make a new noise that you aren’t used to, you’ll be startled back to awareness.

  60. Take any medications you may have missed. Use your PRN’s if necessary; take pain or anxiety medications if that is what is causing your dissociation.

  61. If you are in a car (passenger or driver), adjust the seat into a different position - even one that’s just slightly uncomfortable. Stretch your legs out far and lift your head up tall. Wiggle about. If you’re a passenger, look around the inside of the car instead of out the window for a bit. Then switch. (..your gaze, not parts ;) )

  62. If you are the driver, keep your eyes peeled for green cars. Notice every license plate with a B in it. If it’s a particularly long drive, play the alphabet game (but not to the point of real distraction. We want safer driving here, not less!)

  63. Use your imagery techniques - particularly for pain or intense emotions. Dial them down to a manageable level. Set a 15 minute timer to check back in and observe what level they're at now. It’s okay if they're "worse". The goal is just to be aware of where they are at, not necessarily improving or changing them (unless you want to).

  64. List or write down your feelings in that moment. Describe them in extreme detail. If they were a color, what would they be? If they were a weather condition, which would you see? A temperature? A texture? Loud or quiet? Animate or inanimate? Soft or sharp?

  65. Make some mint or other herbal tea. Inhale the scent deep into your lungs. Sip it before putting anything in it. Is it bitter? Then fix it how you like it. What were the differences?

  66. Do some jumping jacks or just a few sit-ups or push-ups. (You can also workout for longer too, but it's not necessary.) Get the blood flowing. Jog in place. Shake it off like T Swifty and feel the blood as it rushes through you and your limbs buzz as you re-awaken and re-enter your body.

  67. Read a book or a magazine.

  68. Listen to an audiobook or your favorite podcast. Or, find a podcast you’ve never listened to before and give it a try.

  69. Watch something on Netflix or Hulu. Keep it upbeat and current. If you know the oldies-but-goodies are safe for you and won’t disorient you, relish in those re-runs!

  70. Do something goofy - particularly if you are in NO mood for nonsense. Pat your head and rub your tummy. Try to say ridiculous tongue-twisters. You’ll end up cracking up (or being so annoyed!) that you’ll still be way more grounded than you were moments ago. If you're extra grumpy, use that cynicism for a "Try Not to Laugh Challenge" online. The worst that happens is you get some chuckles. Or puppies.

  71. Put in your earbuds and go for a run or a long walk. Get away from where you are and notice allllll the sensory changes outside. Narrate to yourself all that you see and feel and how it's different from where you were.

  72. Progressive muscle relaxation. (There are great guided imageries and how-to steps for this online. This can be really incredibly useful for many, but can be trancing for others at first. Do what works for you!)

  73. Go down the alphabet and list girls’ names for each letter. Then boys’ names. Then unisex. Or try to come up with silly pet’s names for each letter instead. How creative can you get?

  74. Try counting by 3’s or 7’s. Try to get to 200. Then try multiplying by them.

  75. Look out a window or up at the sky. What color is it? What shade name would you call it? Are there clouds or none? Are there stars or no? Can you see the moon from where you are? What about the sun? Any planes out there?

  76. Use safe place imagery if you are having no luck orienting with your present surroundings. Mentally retreat to your safe place in as explicit of detail possible. When you’re feeling calmer, slowly start orienting yourself back to your current surroundings. Start back at the beginning of this list and come back into the room, into the present, and into your body.

  77. Step away from social media or scrolling on your phone. This can be incredibly trancing for some without realizing it. Sit your phone across the room and spend at least 30 minutes doing something entirely different.

  78. Color in an adult coloring book or doodle. Make silly crafts or fingerpaint if you have kid parts that need some attention. Do it even if you don't have parts.

  79. Go swimming if it’s an option or isn’t a triggering experience for you. Notice the water and its temperature. Notice how you can both float and sink. Recreate this in a bathtub if you don’t have a pool ;)

  80. Wash your face or brush your teeth. Do a face mask or use some other self-care toiletries to freshen up. Notice all the smells and textures. Notice how they feel on your skin and how refreshed and alert you feel.

  81. Tap the sides of your kneecaps. Or, cross your arms, making an X on your chest, and tap your collarbones with your fingertips. Give your body some new neural feedback and stimulation to take in. Notice how it feels both weird and rhythmically calming at the same time. Observe your level of anxiety as you do - how does it change?

  82. Do yoga or tai chi if you’re familiar with either and find those to be useful to you. Make it up as you go even if you don't actually know what you're doing ;)

  83. Play a sport that you enjoy (or heck, even something you’re bad at! It certainly requires more effort that way!). Shoot some hoops, pepper with a volleyball, kick around a soccer ball. Or, just make up your own new game!

  84. Organize a desk drawer or closet shelf. Clean your makeup or artist brushes that you’ve probably neglected for quite awhile. Clean your sneakers or something else you’ve been needing to do but keep forgetting.

  85. Vacuum a room or do the dishes. Feel the vibrations and sweeping motions of the vacuum …or the temperature of the water and scent of the soap if you’re washing dishes. (If these cleaning/organizational things will trigger OCD tendencies you may have, maybe skip these and try the OTHER hundred techniques! Or, y'know, just make everything SUPER messy instead. :) )

  86. Take some ice in your hands or place it in a baggie and hold it for a little while. (Make sure you’re at least grounded enough to know if it’s too extreme of a cold. We don't want you to damage your skin.)

  87. Take some pictures on your phone or with a digital camera. Play with filters or photo editing apps/software that you’d never normally pick. What cool things can you make?

  88. Watch a documentary on YouTube or Netflix. Find a subject that either completely fascinates you or even one you know very little about. What new things can you learn?.

  89. If you’re struggling with grounding after nightmares, scribble down the nightmare in a journal - just the surface of what it was about. Then fold the page over or up real tight into the journal (or even tear it out completely). Know that it is contained in there and it’s not coming out again. Then remind yourself of the date, where you are, how old you are, and that it was just a nightmare. Then try to do some pleasing, safe-place imagery type visualizations before laying your body back down for some rest.

  90. Light some candles. Notice the glow and the flicker. What do they smell like? Can you feel the warmth coming off of them? (If you are REALLY struggling with grounding, please please please don’t do this one. We don’t ever want you to catch anything on fire. But if you’re just loosely struggling or feeling a little fuzzy, this a great option.)

  91. If you’re struggling with derealism, start naming all the things you know to be inarguably true. You know what name is on your birth certificate. ..how old you are now. ..where you live. ..where you are standing. ..that it is either day or night. ..that you are either alone or in the company of people. Continue on until you feel yourself becoming more rooted in reality. Then you can start challenging the things you weren’t really quite so sure about. (You may need a friend to help you and that’s okay. If you're a Hunger Games fan, you can think of it as the Real or Not Real game with a loved one or parts inside.)

  92. Squeeze or massage your muscles. If this isn’t triggering to you, deeply dig into the muscles in your shoulders and down your arms. Move your thighs and calves around until you feel all that fresh blood finding them. Notice all the new and interesting sensations you feel now that you weren’t feeling before.

  93. If you are frozen still, just start with very small movements. Start with just wiggling and scrunching your toes. Then try rolling your ankles. Now wiggle your fingers or tap them on a surface. Roll your wrists. Slowly work up to bending your knees and elbows. Hips and shoulders. Roll your neck. Open your mouth and stretch your jaw. Feel all the parts of your body slowly come back to life. All it takes is a small start, don't worry about the rest until you're there.

  94. Take a nap or get ready for bed. You may just be so overtired that you’ll never be fully grounded until you get some rest.

  95. Fold laundry or do some other similar busywork that requires a good bit of motion but also gives you something like scent and texture to work with, too. (Who wants to be fully grounded for doing laundry anywayyyy ;) )

  96. Drink a carbonated beverage. Notice all the fizzies in your nose and down your throat.

  97. Disengage from anything that’s too overstimulating. You may have too MANY things going on at once. Turn down a TV or stop music that might be playing. Leave crowded or busy rooms. Keep yourself engaged with your surroundings but also disengage from too MUCH sensory input.

  98. Keep a grounding stone or similar item in your pocket when you’re out and about. Run your fingers over the stone, contort a Tangle into different shapes, or notice all the notches in your car keys. Find an item like this that works well for you!

  99. Keep a 3x5 card attached to your sun visor in the car, or in your wallet, that clearly and boldly states what year it is, how old you are, where you live, that you are safe now, and a mantra that you may find to be soothing. Personalize it for you and your specific triggers or points of confusion - things you know you get hung up on. That way it can remind you when you aren't able to remind yourself.

  100. Do the same with bathroom mirrors, nightstands, bedroom walls or any other place that you know you commonly struggle. You can make them either discrete or super bold depending on your living situation or understanding of those around you. Referring to these can save you a ton of mental energy when you find yourself in a sudden and intense spell of dissociation and can't even remember what you're supposed to do or think or what coping skills even are.

  101. LAUGH. However you can, by whatever means, try to do something that makes you laugh. It’s one of the most fail-proof ways to get more grounded (even for those whose default coping mechanism is humor and avoidance. Laughing wholly and authentically with your body can still make you more present than you were.) One fail-proof way? Try to LAUGH WITHOUT SMILING. ….you’ll soon be dying over the sound that just escaped your mouth and the ridiculous face you just made trying. You won’t be able keep from bursting into real laughter! And, if you don't believe us or are too proud to give it a try, at least enjoy this video for a laugh. Good luck! “Hurr huh hurrrrr.”

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MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Techniques
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID MythsDispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  
Article Index  ❖

 


FIND US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

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  ✦  Instagram
  ✦  Twitter

Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families this Holiday

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    It’s that time again! And, no, not just the time to be overwhelmed by a busy holiday season - all the gift-getting, party-planning, and social-gathering. It's that time where the whole world pauses to focus on family. For many across the world, the holidays are when all the scattered relatives of each splintered tree-branch come together in one town, or even under one roof. People will be cheerfully hugging and catching up with siblings and cousins, moms and grandpas. There will endless Instagram photos of reunions with big smiles, quotes in curly lettering, and captions pushed to their text limit on how much family is everything. How it’s the lifeblood. Yes, we’re only days away from those forceful nudges from others to revel in the company of family. We’ll see, “Don’t wait to make amends. None of us are promised tomorrow!” and told to never forget to “Forgive. Love. Cherish!”

    But, for an inordinate amount of the population? Family is anything but merry, warm or inviting. It’s the source of pain, of loss, abandonment, and grief. It’s abuse and yelling, belligerence and guilt-tripping. In countless tiny corners, there will be an adult survivor of child abuse wrestling with themselves, tearing out their insides, trying to decide if they should answer their mother’s text. Another will have agreed to come to the Christmas dinner only to immediately regret it, and now there's no way out. Another is desperately waiting for their family to invite them — anything to show that maybe they care. Or, that they weren’t forgotten. Maybe their family actually wonders if they’re alive or not but haven’t earned the right to know. The simple fact is that all over this globe are trauma survivors with families that are incredibly toxic. They are not to be welcomed with open arms. They will require courage of steel just to share the same room. And, some shouldn’t even be spoken to, let alone seen or forgiven.

“Should I go?”  “Should I invite them?”  “They sounded so sweet this time...”  “Maybe she’ll forgive me.”  “Maybe he won’t get so drunk this time. He's doing better I heard.”  “I should show her I’m healthy now. She’ll be proud of me, right?”  “He’s always so inappropriate, he can’t be around my kids.” “I just want my mom. …but she’s evil.”  “But he’s sick? This could be his last Christmas.”  “I’m so stupid. Why would I ever think they’d wanna see me again?” “Am I just being dramatic?”  “Am I being selfish?”  “What if she turns the rest of the family against me for not inviting her? They’d all hate me. They already hate me.”  “I could do it if I’m drunk. Yeah, okay. It's just once.”  “I’ll try. I can face them! I’m an adult now. They can’t hurt me! …right? No no no, not right.

    These words, and farrrr more, are part of the endless monologues we know are running through so, so many of you this holiday season. We know how painful it can be to watch everyone else revel in high spirits and the warm embraces of family. They’re sharing memories and playing games, digging up inside jokes and sharing presents. But for you, the holidays remind you of fights. Soooo many fights. So much yelling and pain, mind games, abuse — constant brokenness. On the other side, there are those of you who recall perfect, plastic Norman Rockwell holidays that were a complete masquerade of the abusive family that lived behind them every other day of the year—forever confusing you of what’s real. You can’t stomach faking your way through even one more of those.

But how do you make it your holiday? How do you honor yourself when that may include shutting others out? How do you make this season safe and calm - what you always wanted and deserved, without the suffocating guilt or aching loneliness? If you’ve never been taught how, what do you do about FAMILY? While there are no easy answers, perhaps some of our thoughts can lend a gentle hand of aid:


1.)  Remind yourself that you are allowed to set boundaries. 

    You are an adult now. You are allowed to say NO. You are allowed to say that this year you have different plans that do not include abusive, manipulative, or negligent individuals. …even if it’s a parent who lives alone or a relative who is terminally ill. You know what you can expect of their behavior better than anyone. And, if you know it’s anything that wouldn’t honor you as an adult — or your children if you have them — then you are allowed to turn them down. You do not owe them your heart or your home, no matter how tangled up things feel. No matter how many Facebook posts tell you that you must, and no matter how many photos of others' make you pine for what could be - if you know that your family is toxic, scary, or can make you feel smaller than a speck on the wall, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO SAY NO. You have complete and total permission here. You can set boundaries. And setting those boundaries is what healthy, strong, respectable adults that you admire do. It is not being selfish. It is not being “dramatic”. It is not being mean. It’s being mature, and level-headed, and strong as f— frick. ;)
 

2.)  Beware of the wolves in sheep’s clothing. 

    Holidays are a prime time for reflection and fuzzy feelings — they get the best of all of us sometimes. They can make even the baddest of people soften their edges and become just sooo very warm and inviting. As a survivor of abuse or toxic family dynamics, it can be incredibly hard to resist. That hurt, little you desperately wants them to mean what they say and to feel their affections. It’s all you’ve ever wanted. And they may seem so sincere! “This could be the year!” And, we suppose it really could be. Bad people can change, and amends can be made. But, if those amends couldn’t wait or you know they wouldn’t be made outside of the holiday season, beware that their intentions may not be so pure. If they don’t want to work anything out or speak to you about things before the holiday (or are deeply offended by you asking to wait until after the busy season to strike things back up), they may not miss you as badly as they say they do. They may be toying with your heart.  …again. And it’s going to be so hard to resist. That’s to be expected. It’s even entirely understandable because it comes from that beautifully innocent place in you that exists in all of us. It’s out of the purest kind of hope — and it’s one that we don’t want to see get crushed by their hurtfulness.
    If you know that your toxic family member has a tendency to turn on the charm during holidays or special events, if they're trying to lure you into holiday celebrations, convince you they should come stay for awhile, or just reeeeeally want to see you all of a sudden? You may need to label this fluffy little sheep as the wolf they’ve always been. Run it by a friend, see if they get the same warm feels you do. If they don’t, trust their intuition if they respond saying they don’t want to see you get hurt. If it’s meant to be, your family member will be there when the holidays pass. If not, returning their messages now may just be returning yourself to being abused again. You don’t deserve that. You never did.
 

3.)  Take time to grieve.

    For some of you, your abusers may have passed on. And for others, it's the idea of a happy, healthy family that is long gone and passed. There is also the mourning of a childhood that was robbed of some of the simplest holiday joys, which can rub your heart raw as you celebrate as an adult. Holidays can bring up so, so much grief whenever it feels like something extraordinary is missing. For those with toxic or abusive families, there was always something vital missing. And, as we get older and lose people in our lives, the grief of loved ones no longer here can compound all these losses into one, soul-crushing ball of pure pain. If the person no longer alive was an abusive family member, you may even find yourself additionally vulnerable to a flood of traumatic memories, too - not just the grief.  Memories may feel “safer” to reveal themselves to you now that the person is no longer alive or a threat to you. The same can be true even if you only set firmer boundaries and closed doors on relationships. They may not have passed away, but a book has been tightly closed and your mind can feel a little sturdier to go back and flip through some of its pages. If you know this is a possibility, labeling it for yourself ahead of time will spare your poor heart and mind a great deal of added anguish. 
    Surround yourself with as much support as you can. Whether that is through a therapist, friends, a partner, or other siblings/family members who may be experiencing something similar - try not to leave yourself too isolated or without support. Once you have that, allow yourself some time to grieve. Set aside 20 minutes to let your mind go to all of “those places”. Feel the feelings. Acknowledge the hole in your chest. Let yourself stomp and clench your fists at how unfair it is. Let yourself cry. You deserved so much better. You always did. It’s okay to be sad and to feel it all. 
By setting aside time to feel this in small doses, it will likely save you from allllll that pain just washing over right as you go to put gifts under the tree, or as you're carrying dishes back to the kitchen. Honor your feelings. Pace them out. You'll be freer and lighter and less likely to be taken down by a Grief Tidal Wave™. And just trust us, those are vicious. ;)
 

4.)  Create new memories.

    The holidays are as much about reflecting on old memories as they are about creating new ones. But, for trauma survivors, we think the emphasis should be so much heavier on creating new ones. Now is the time to do all the things you wanted to as a child but weren’t allowed. Play with kids' toys. Make a lot of noise. Run through the house. Indulge in an extra dessert if you never let yourself do so. Watch the movies you wanna watch. Invite ONLY the people you want to invite, go to the parties you want to go to, and stay home in PJs and slippers on the nights you wanna stay in!
This holiday can be 100% yours - finally! Your life is invaluable and you should spend it how, and with whom, you are most happy. You might not have an Ugly Christmas Sweater family portrait with all the cousins and in-laws to post on Instagram, but you also were spared a bunch of awkward conversations, backhanded compliments, and most likely being made to feel like a lot less than you're really worth. You deserve to do things on your terms  And, for once, that doesn't have to include anyone yelling at you, telling you all the things you messed up, or shaming your job, your weight, your partner, or your house. No fighting, no guilt-tripping, no violence.
You get to redefine what this Christmas/Hanukkah/etc means to you. You get to rewrite what your New Years Eve will look like. You also get to start a fresh new year! And, guess what. Good news is you don’t have to wait for a new year to start living for, and honoring, you. START RIGHT NOW! Make new memories. Meaningful ones. So many new ones you can't even keep track!
 

5.)  Celebrate every small victory. 

    This mess is hard. It's tough, tough stuff. It is so hard to know what the right decision is at any given moment. And you’re not gonna get ‘em all right. …you just aren’t. But for each and every thing you accomplish, celebrate it! First acknowledging the toxic people in your life is a big step for many of you. Letting yourself even temporarily consider that not seeing them this year is even an option may also be the biggest step you’ve ever made. Asking yourself the hard questions, recognizing your needs along with anticipating others' intentions, signing off of social media, and tuning out any of the guilting messages around you — these are huge steps.
For each and every single boundary you set, and every last one you stand strong in keeping— CELEBRATE IT! You are doing things most can’t even imagine conquering amidst all the other hustle and bustle of the season. Your heartstrings are so tangled up and confused and they just don’t know what’s good or bad or sideways sometimes. And how couldn’t they be? Setting boundaries is one of the most critical, most difficult, and most powerful steps in a trauma survivor’s life. Doing so with toxic and/or abusive family members is next level, Achievement Unlocked kind of strength. For each baby step and large victory you make along the way, know that we’re also cheering with you as you celebrate these successes yourself. It’s just that important. :)


    So, this holiday season, please know that you are not truly alone in this - even when it feels like it. We are here. And, there are tons of others just like you, sitting with these exact same heavy feelings and possibly even a hefty dose of envy that they don’t get to have the same easy joy the rest of the world gets to feel. They’re making these same kinds of hard decisions, going back and forth staring endlessly into their phones, lamenting over what the right call is to make, too. Perhaps you can even seek to find support in one another.

We also know some of you might have to face unsafe or toxic people against your will, just because the circumstances have made it so. We are deeply pained for you and are extending our deepest amounts of compassion and every safety net that exists for you. For others, you will have decided that this is the year you are choosing to say yes to family members again. And, if you feel you’ve come to that decision earnestly and not out of the expectations of a traumatized, young version of you that feels obligated - then you have our full support. We applaud the strength you’ve gathered in yourself to get to this place in your healing. For the rest of you who are saying NO to toxic/abusive family members? You deserve all the praise and love and support there is to go around! You should be so so proud of yourselves. All of you. Getting through this season at all? Fighting the good fight? It's worth its weight in gold, no matter what the fight actually looks like.

    In closing, we know this is an incredibly tough time of year for so many more reasons than just these. We’ve even made a guide to surviving the holidays with C-PTSD/DID that tackles all the other, non-familial ways this season so very much to take. We encourage you to read that (or re-read it!) just to recharge yourself. This way you can feel confident marching into these upcoming weeks with a clear head, a bundle of deep breaths, and a game plan to guide you through.

We are thinking of you and sending our utmost compassion out to all survivors everywhere. And we're asking others to do the same! May you never feel forgotten or unseen. And, may your holidays be safe, wonderful, and special to you.

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MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Techniques
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID MythsDispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
  ❖  
Article Index  ❖

 


FIND US ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

  ✦  Facebook
  ✦  Instagram
  ✦  Twitter

Why the name Beauty After Bruises?

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  We have gotten a few questions and comments over the 2+ years since starting our mission, wondering: Why the name Beauty After Bruises?  It’s attention-getting no doubt, and full of symbolism, so each person who hears it walks away with their own interpretation of the words.  For many it’s even a little jarring, leaving them to immediately imagine the pain of those we seek to help.  It makes some strangers in passing uncomfortable even.  And when it comes to the survivors we help, it’s been mostly sincere appreciation, with the occasional mixed review that nearly always yields the most love in the end.  Those who are close to us feel that it empowers and lifts them up. But a small handful of survivors - mostly via social media - have mentioned it left them a little too uneasy.  For them, the word Bruises brought with it vivid images of abuse they just didn’t want to think about.  Luckily, in each case, inquiring about it gave us a chance to share our intent and they walked away feeling strengthened by it, no longer at war internally - and, for some, they left feeling braver and prouder each time they scrolled past the word Bruises, no longer blanching or feeling small.  That's a pretty dramatic leap.  And it was responses like those that really encouraged us to share this message today.  What could have turned them around so strongly?  And, why would we name our charity and our mission something that could everrr upset or make aaanyone uneasy EVER?  There is no short answer, only a long one.  But the quickest summary is that it is necessary and that it honors survivors in a way they might not have even realized they needed.   Let me explain…

  Abuse of any kind makes people uncomfortable.  Period.  It makes them shy away, hush their voices, and try to avoid any exposure to the topic at all — seeing it, hearing about it, talking about it, even remedying it.  Collectively, we all try to speak in more euphemistic terms or find literally ANY other word we can come up with when trying to discuss things like current events, social matters, or situations in our personal lives.  News articles containing the proper verbiage can make us recoil or even consciously decide to stop reading and move on to something else.  It suddenly feels too graphic.  …all because they didn’t use softer language to describe “the thing we knoooow they’re talking about." "Do they have to keep saying it?!”. 

  For survivors or those with panic disorders, avoiding these things is different because it can genuinely trigger terrible memories and panic; they need to protect themselves.  But as a society, we avoid anything that feels too harsh or too real.  But, this euphemistic, protective environment we create for ourselves while simply reading stories that are far-removed from us fosters the exact same kind of environment to be present when we see it in our real lives.  This “look away unless it’s palatable” mindset is what makes people turn away from someone with a black eye or marks on their body.  ...later convincing themselves they did so just because they were being polite, they didn't want to stare or offend, right?  We create safer reasons and stories in our minds for how a child we know may’ve gotten a curious injury or why they might look so disheveled each day, instead of going with our gut.  We even disbelieve those who open up and tell us that something really terrible happened to them, even when they have zero reason to lie.  “Maybe they just wanted some attention”, we consider.  If we can’t even hear or read the words surrounding abuse of those we don't even know just because they’re too harsh or “make us think unpleasant things”, how are we ever going to be able to listen, tolerate, really be there for, and believe(!!) a friend or loved one who comes to us saying they've been hurt?  You cannot look away or keep scrolling when it’s right in front of you!  And yet, it's the very reason so many quickly jump to minimizing, invalidating, questioning, defending, redirecting, trivializing, placating, shaming, lecturing (the list goes on!) whenever they ARE sitting across from it.  Anything to make it “not so intense” for themselves…regardless of how intense and inescapable it might be for the person going through it.  This HAS to change.

  The world has to get more comfortable with hearing hard words; and “bruises” really isn’t too harsh a word to sit with.  We could have gone the more common route, electing something flowery or that focuses solely on the “good, presentable parts” of being a survivor — like strength, fighter, perseverance, hope, healing and so forth.  But, to us, that feels like we’re doing the very thing our survivors have had to do their entire lives: cover up their wounds and make everything pretty so that other people can be more comfortable.  We want all survivors to know they can come to us as broken and “unpretty” as they may be, and know that we aren’t going to flinch or falter or be too horrified to pick them up and take them in.  And, when they’re ready, we will gladly help them find some light and beauty and hope again - in all of its raw and unexpected forms.  We won’t ever once ask them to hide or soften the broken pieces along the way - not for our comfort, let alone anyone else’s for that matter.  They are the ones hurting.  They never get to escape it. We can all tolerate being uncomfortable for just a few moments.  And by giving our charity a shiny or glitzy name, we'd be glossing over eeeeeverything they’ve been through - wrapping it all up in a pretty little basket with a big, fat insulting bow on top, calling the world’s attention to only the poised and Smiley Survivors™.  That’s what abusers want you to do.  And we’re saying NO.  You come to us with the scars on your heart and body and we won’t shudder or look away - nor will the community we’ve built here.  We aren’t afraid of the hard stuff - to hear it or see it, know that it exists or fight against it.  But we also want to help bring you to the beauty, to the peacefulness you seek and so deeply deserve.  It absolutely exists and we want to help you claim it.  However, it's a more vivid and authentic experience of beauty when you've truly nurtured and healed the wounds, instead of having spent your whole life working to paint over them.

  Beauty After Bruises is about reclaiming what is yours.  It’s about no longer hiding.  It’s owning your story without shame.   It’s about being vulnerable and learning to trust.  It’s about acknowledging that even though the bruises on your skin may have faded, the bruises on your heart still need to be handled with care.  Our name, and our mission, is about letting survivors take off their metaphorical sunglasses, makeup and long sleeves and stand securely in themselves, knowing they don’t have to hide anything.  It’s not their secret to conceal.  They did nothing wrong.  It’s also about getting the world on the same page.  Getting it more comfortable with the realities around them, so that they’re less likely to huddle their kids close and shuffle away whenever they see someone who might need help.  Making it so that when a survivor comes to their best friend, telling them something terrible just happened, their friend isn’t so overwhelmed and trying to just “click away” that they end up searching for a million reasons it might have been the survivor's fault, wasn’t really that bad, or that maybe even the perpetrator “didn’t really mean to”.  We need to keep creating a world where our visceral reactions to the harsh realities around us stop sending the message to traumatized survivors that what they’ve been through is “too much”, “too dirty” or “too unspeakable”.  We want survivors to know they can speak and be heard.  Share and be believed.  Trust and have it honored.  Be vulnerable and experience healing.  Heal and find beauty.

We genuinely and truly believe there is beauty after bruises.  We’ve seen it.  And we want to help you experience that.  All of you.

 


 

QoTD: For our survivors, supporters, and passersby, what do you think and feel when you hear "Beauty After Bruises"?  What does it mean to you?  What do you feel?  What things to you see in your mind or notice in your chest?  Let us know and share with others in the comments! :)

Surviving the Holidays with C-PTSD / DID

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The holiday season is stressful for everyone. But for many with Complex PTSD and dissociative disorders, it can be the absolute worst time of year. While there are often bright spots, the unique struggles that trauma survivors can face as the year comes to a close too often overshadow them. Whether out and about, or gathering with family, the holidays are such a loud, busy and overstimulating time — or in other words, a nightmare for anyone with a posttraumatic condition. But, there are also so many hidden things that survivors struggle with that many may not even realize - even to survivors with different histories from each other. Many of you will have to face immediate or extended family that were the source of your trauma. Others will gather around unsupportive or toxic family/friends who don't value your mental health or personal wellbeing. And, for many survivors, the holidays are actual anniversaries of past trauma or violence. This time of year is also an unforgiving battleground to the many who struggle with food, disordered eating, and/or addictions. To add insult to injury, an upsetting number of trauma survivors are grappling with chronic physical health issues, too - most of which came as a result of their trauma, whether they realize that relationship or not. They're going to be in pain, sick, or exhausted – wanting to engage, but unable. The list goes on, and we know just how hard many of you will be fighting to stay above water. We want to help however we can.

Because you will all have very different holiday plans, trauma histories, and triggers across varying degrees of safety or stages in recovery - when it comes to managing your symptoms - there can be no one-size-fits all guide to get through. And, if you’re up against still-toxic or abusive family, most things become a gamble as to if they’ll help or harm. Because of that, we added a separate post to address those unique concerns, too. There are, however, some things that are universal and remain true for most everyone. So! Here are some suggestions for getting through the holiday season safely - with your sanity intact and knowing someone has your back. Take what applies to you, leave the rest, and please feel free to share some of your suggestions below. Keep extending that support to our community of survivors!

 


Our list to get through the holidays:


❄︎ Stay grounded.
 Remaining grounded is your first and strongest line of defense to any of the things you'll face during the holidays. If you aren't grounded, none of your coping skills will be as effective. Keep textured items in your pocket, bag and/or car. Carry a notecard on you or in your phone that can remind you of the date, that you're safe and an adult now, as well as any other orienting details that are important to you. Keep your feet on the floor whenever you can. Try to refrain from staring off or zoning out when things get too dull (or too heated). Keep your phone on you to play music or engage in interactive apps whenever you feel yourself drifting. Look around the room - take note of all the pretty things that catch your eye as you look about. Talk or engage with someone if you can; vocalize in some way when you're alone. Step out and wash your hands or face in cool water. Go outside for a bit to reinvigorate yourself with fresh air or cold temperatures.  Anything you can to stay present in the here and now!  (We also have 101 Grounding Techniques right here for ya if you need ideas or just want to have it on hand in case you can’t remember your own later!)

❄︎ Remember: You have a voice.
 This is your life, your safety, your sanity. You matter. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself, to say no, to change your mind and to make choices that honor you.  If you don't want to visit with someone, or know that seeing them will trigger or stress you too greatly, you do not have to go. You can speak those needs and set those boundaries. We understand that for some of you - particularly those who live with or are asked to see unsafe people, or those who may retaliate or hold that choice over your head - saying no would actually put you in danger. We understand there are times it is a necessity and do not want to encourage you to put yourself in harm's way. But, for those of you whom it just feels scary, or you know it’d make you feel guilty, ashamed or upset - ask yourself if those temporary feelings are more important than the endless, unpredictable amounts of distress that spending time with those people would cause you. Use your voice. Set boundaries. You are an adult and are allowed to say no now and have it be respected.


❄︎ Plan ahead.
  One of the best strategies for not only preventing an utter disaster but even getting to enjoy yourself, is to plan ahead in the most detailed way possible. List what kinds of things you're going to do for yourself before the important moments, to ensure you’re prepared to go into any stressful environment much less vulnerable, feeling steady and even confident. Describe the things you're going to do during the event to make sure you'll be staying grounded, level and calm. Then, be incredibly specific about what you're going to do after to decompress and unwind, being certain to add what you'll do for self-care. This is called a "Before/During/After Plan" or a BDA. You can make one for every significant challenge or phase of the holiday season: phone calls and planning stages, declining an invite, food prep, the gathering, specific traditions you know may be emotional, etc.


❄︎ Don't forget the basics.
  It sounds painfully simple, but it's so easy to forget. Take your medications. Eat well. Stay hydrated. Force yourself to rest your body and mind even if you cannot sleep. Don’t neglect your physical health. These things are as much your foundation as being grounded is. Forgetting any of these basic needs can make you more vulnerable to symptoms, which can lead to a full unravelling later.  


❄︎ Internal communication. 
Those of you who have internal parts (DID/OSDD) will need to make sure you're doing a lot of internal communication — but self-talk and tending to the really young or past versions of yourself can be helpful and important for all survivors. Acknowledge with one another the difficult, painful, scary, or triggering things that you know you’ll be facing. Validate those feelings and fears with each other. Then, together, plan how you want to work as an efficient unit, arranging yourselves and customizing individual jobs to best tackle each event on your calendar. Also, discuss what you might do to honor one another, maybe consider sharing gifts if that feels right (even if those gifts are as simple as letting a part watch a movie at home or color a picture - it doesn't have to be a material present :) ). Acknowledging and validating what is so painful about these holidays also leaves you less likely to be blindsided by traumatic material mid-holiday celebration. If someone inside encounters a trigger they didn’t see coming, it’s so much harder to access their tools suddenly, recover quickly, and regroup.


❄︎ Incentivize.
  Unfortunately, many complex trauma survivors also struggle with self-harm, addiction, and/or other self-destructive behaviors. Many more are wrestling devastating depression, OCD, eating disorders, bipolar, and/or other mental illnesses in addition to their trauma. Get yourself a gift or other incentive, one you aren’t allowed to have until January 2nd (or after each individual holiday or milestone). If you get through the whole holiday season self-harm free or are able to accomplish things you felt too depressed or too afraid to do, your gift is waiting there for you and will congratulate you for crushing that goal!


❄︎ Let yourself grieve. 
It seems counterintuitive to lead yourself into painful emotions, but it makes them far less likely to bubble up just as you're getting comfortable or having a good time. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself mourn lost holidays or entire childhoods of happy memories. Allow yourself to be upset by all that your traumatic experiences robbed from you or made more difficult than it ever needed to be. Take a moment to be angry about neglectful and/or dismissive family/friends who won't support you the way you deserve to be supported. Once you've given yourself a moment to feel these feelings, your mind will feel freer to let go and enjoy the holidays - less determined to remind you how it’s been really, really hurt by everything associated with them, afraid you’ll forget it still needs healing.


❄︎ Take time for you.
 You don't have to be "on" from Thanksgiving to January. You don't have to be "on" morning to night on any holiday either. Take breaks. Leave the room. Take a walk outside. Sit in peace in a bedroom or unoccupied room for a moment. Those 15 minute breathers will do you and your nervous system wonders before returning to the festivities - even if you don’t think you need one yet. If you’re having trouble thinking of things you can do for yourself to recharge, feel like you again, or to self-soothe - be it in tiny doses or in larger-effort, longer-lasting ways - our article on Self-Care has over 101 ideas to help.


❄︎ Support system.
  If you have friends or family that support you healthily, connect with them. Make it a point to fill them in on what's going on and all that’s worrying you. Plan to connect with them even if for just 5 or 10 minutes before/after holiday gatherings. We know that many therapists aren't available during holiday weeks, and even we are a bit harder to reach at times, so touching base with friends and family that you know have your back can help you feel less stranded or as if you've been abandoned in your weakest moments.


❄︎ Breathe.
 Again, it sounds so simple, but you'll be amazed by how often the times you're feeling completely overwhelmed, you’re actually holding your breath. Take several deep, cleansing breaths each time you feel your tension meter rising. You can also try color-breathing.


❄︎ Limit alcohol/substances.
 The holidays don't make this super easy for those who like to partake, but any level of intoxication can make traumatic material just a trigger away from flooding you. ...and leaves you quite defenseless against it, too. Try to be extra responsible during the rough moments - even if your whole body’s zinging or feels like you're going to burst. Going for another drink to drown it out or feel calmer actually increases your vulnerability for it all to come crashing down — both inside your mind and possibly in your behavior. For those of you who struggle with moderating your alcohol consumption or need to steer clear entirely, try recruiting a trusted loved one to help keep you accountable and feel less isolated amidst the temptation.


❄︎ Remember:
You do not have to stay.  Just like before, your needs matter. You are not obligated to do anything you don't want to, or to do it for longer than you desire. You do not have to feel guilty. You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are leaving, where you're going, or why you want to go ‘so soon’. Catastrophe doesn’t have to strike to start feeling like you have permission to consider it; you can leave solely because you feel like it. You are being a proactive bamf by taking care of you and heading out before it even feels unsteady. If you don't think you can count on your voice to be strong enough in the moment, make plans to see someone immediately after a gathering and make that known ahead of time that you can’t stay long. Don't have anyone free to do that with or are traveling? There are even apps that can help you get out of a situation you don't want to be in. :) Even if you have to get clever about it, you are still allowed to go when you've had enough. Period.


❄︎ Physical safety.
 If you MUST visit (or already live with) unsafe people and things escalate - but you don’t feel you can leave the room, step outside, or leave entirely - if things are about to erupt into violence, apps like SafeTrek exist that will bring the police to your location without you ever making or answering a call. (This app is valuable for many other scenarios and great for trauma survivors broadly, even if it’s only used to soothe in perceived-versus-actual unsafety. It, and others, are available for iOS and Android.) There are also emergency features on both Apple and Android phones; research them. You may be able to send an SOS to a trusted friend that includes your location and 5 seconds of video/audio if desired. You can also dial 911 yourself if you feel you can and just leave it open for an operator to listen to the chaos. Many are familiar with this practice, and they may be willing to send a wellness check.
If you don’t feel either of those are safe options, or that a visit from police would make things less safe for you, take some time now to brainstorm what WOULD feel safe to you. Can you make a plan with a friend to have them call you if you text a certain word? To interrupt the chaos? To force the violent parties to hush because someone on the phone might hear them, or because you had to get up and go to another room to take it? Do you have an ally in the family/friend group who could help you? What feels right to you? If your answer is “Just take it” (the abuse), I urge you to reconsider. You are important. You are valuable. You are worthy of basic needs: safety. You do not need to accept this or endure this any longer.  You have a voice and you have a brilliant mind that can find something else. Anything else.


❄︎ Conquering loneliness.
  Many of these tips revolve around gatherings with others. But, for some of you, much of the holiday season is actually spent alone (either by choice or circumstance). Since loneliness can breed all sorts of darkness in the mind, plan your own holiday time for you. Make the day a day to treat yourself like you never do. Watch movies, take a bath, paint your nails, turn your music up, watch new shows on Netflix, read a book, make yourself an elaborate meal, celebrate yourself and how far you’ve come. Go ahead and make everyone slummin’ it with the fam jealous that you were at home having the time of your life in your PJs, coloring an adult coloring book, having Christmas cookies and tea. ;) But, in all seriousness, if you really feel like that’s just going to be too hard even if you make it a fun day for you - much like those spending time with others - make a plan for the day. Outline it. What will you do before the day begins to make sure you're at your strongest? What are you going to do during to keep yourself steady? And what will you do after to decompress and take care of yourself? Make sure your plan has TONS of self-care and self-treating in it. You deserve it!


❄︎ Be kind to yourself.
 The holidays are hard. For everyone. Yes, even those who seem to have it all together. It is never going to be perfect. You're likely going to make mistakes, have bad days, be a little short with someone you love, or have a day where you aren't the most patient. You may stumble, or even completely fall apart. While we hope that doesn't happen, but it's okay if it does. Life is a process, and every year is different. None of us get it right every time, or even most of the time. The best and only thing to do after something goes wrong is to practice some self-kindness. Cut yourself some slack and remind yourself that now, if any a time, is the time you need comfort the most...especially from yourself. Be gentle. If you wouldn't tell one of your friends they were stupid or bad for making the exact same mistake, then you aren't either. Breathe. It's safe. You are going to be okay.

And we are here.  So, you're going to be more than okay :)  

We are sending you the warmest of wishes along with an abundance of care and compassion — from all of us here at Beauty After Bruises. You are always in our hearts and we'll be thinking of you tons this holiday season.

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For those of you with extra difficult families,
don't forget to check out our follow-up article on
Coping with Toxic/Abusive Families
During the Holidays
!


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MORE POSTS YOU MAY FIND HELPFUL:

  ✧  Grounding 101: 101 Grounding Techniques
  ✧  Distraction 101: 101 Distraction Tools
  ✧  Self-Care 101: 101 Self-Care Techniques
  ✧  Nighttime 101 and Nighttime 201Sleep Strategies for Complex PTSD
Color Breathing 101: How to Calm Overwhelming Emotions and Physical Pain
  ✧  Imagery 101Healing Pool and Healing Light
  ✧  DID MythsDispelling Common Misconceptions about Dissociative Identity Disorder
  ✧  Did You Know?: 8 Things We Should All Know about C-PTSD and DID
  ✧  Trauma and Attachment: 3-Part Series on Attachment Theory with Jade Miller
 
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Article Index  ❖

 


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